CHARACTERS           

 

SNOOP                           A crooked burglar who dominates Snivel his partner in crime.

SNIVEL                          A bungling heavy lacking in brains.

JINGLES                   A confused but likeable clown who is completely out of his depth as the king’s jester.

THE KING                    A likeable ruler who attempts to educate Jingles in the royal art of jestering.

WANDA                           The king’s daughter and love interest for Jack.

WIDOW WART        Loveable Dame and mother to Jack.

JACK                          Kind hearted son of Widow wart and hero.

HAZEL                       A friendly witch obsessed with making herself beautiful so she can marry the king.

TOM                           The witch’s cat, a cocky pantomime cat with mischievous qualities.

JANGLES                  An ugly humpbacked subservient cook and jailer to the Giant.

THE GIANT              A larger than life character who has dominance over all he surveys.

DAISY                        A pantomime cow.

ZOLTAN                    A pantomime wolf-like animal.

BEAR                         A pantomime bear.

GOOSE                      A pantomime Mother Goose.

 

CHORUS                   Fireflies.

                                    Forest Creatures.

                                    Beanstalk.

                                    Mice.

                                    Wedding Guests.

                                   

 

 

 

                                   

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Act 1

Sc   1

                                                         A Forest

 

The backdrop is of a forest. A castle wall  with a door can be seen to the left and a cave entrance to the right. A single tree stands upright stage centre. The stage is dimly lit with UV lighting effects.

 

Enter the chorus dressed up as Fireflies.

Costumes should glow in the UV lighting.

 

                        THE CHORUS  SING AND DANCE TO MUSIC.

                           *IN THE HALL OF THE MOUNTAIN KING.

 

FIREFLY            Fly away Airel, Iris and  Saul. Fly away Juno, Miranda and all.

 

Several chorus members slowly leave the stage. The stage darkens.

 

FIREFLY            Flee dark shadows of the night, take fright, for we brave fire flies light

                        up the night.

 

The rest of the chorus leave. A beam of light shines across the stage. Voices are heard.

 

FIREFLY            My time is short my light is growing dim. Creatures of a greater light are                                    about to stumbling in. So as Firelight flickers and dances about, a simple                           wind can blow us out.

 

The Firefly flicks her fingers and blows through her lips. The stage plunges into darkness.

Exit Firefly.

 

Classic creeping about music. Theme music from the X-Files possibly. The stage is in darkness. Enter Snoop and Snivel. They are dressed in bugler type costumes with typical Dick Turpin masks. Snoop carries a torch and a large SWAG bag. Snivel carries a small hand ladder over his shoulder. Snoop shines the torch in front of them.

 

SNIVEL            (Loudly) Snoop?

SNOOP            Sh!!! What ?

SNIVEL            (Loudly) Where do you want this ladder?

SNOOP            Don’t tempt me Snivel.

 

* Any song can be used. The song inserted is only a suggestion.

Snivel throws the ladder on the floor.

 

SNIVEL            That’s it then, I quit.               

SNOOP            Sh!!!!!!!!!  Its the middle of the night we don’t want to waken up the dead                              do we? 

SNOOP            ( He points to the audience)Too late mate there’s a couple of corpses                                stirring out there all ready.

SNOOP            Snivel don’t be rude.

SNIVEL            Well its this forest god knows what creepy crawly are lurking out                                       there?

 

Snoop shines his torch across the audience.

 

SNOOP            Um! you could be right !  I don’t like the look of that one.

SNIVEL            Snoop?

SNOOP            What now?

SNIVEL            What’s green and hairy and has hundreds of legs?

SNOOP            I don’t know what’s green and hairy and has hundreds of legs?

SNIVEL             I don’t know either but there’s one crawling up your neck.

 

Snoop turns round a giant insect has been placed on his back.

 

SNOOP            Urg! Get it off!

 

Snivel knocks of the insect and kicks it away.

 

SNOOP            Come on we’ve wasted enough time. Pick up the ladder and lets find that                              castle.

 

Snivel picks up the ladder and swings it onto his shoulders.

 

SNOOP            Ok put it over there.

 

Snivel swings the ladder around as Snoop bends down to put the SWAG bag on the ground. The ladder narrowly misses Snoop who is unaware of what has just happened. Snivel leans the ladder up against the castle wall.

 

SNOOP            Now up go.

 

Snivel holds onto the ladder.

 

SNIVEL            But its not right Snoop. It just isn’t right.

SNOOP            What isn’t?

SNIVEL            This hand.( He holds up is left hand)

SNOOP            Shut up and get up there.

SNIVEL            I can’t I don’t like heights I get all dizzy and light headed.

SNOOP            Must be the lack of brains. Get a move on.

 

Snivel starts to climb the ladder. The ladder wobbles and becomes unsteady.

 

SNIVEL            Oooo! Help.               

SNOOP           Sh!! be careful .

SNIVEL            Can I come down I’m scared.

SNOOP            No! Look were suppose to be burglars.  This is how we make a living.

                        We steal stuff. Have you got that?

SNIVEL            Yes but what if we get caught?

SNOOP            We won’t. Now get up that ladder.

 

Snivel starts to climb again.

 

SNOOP            Go on get a move on and stop moaning.

 

Snivel pulls up his trousers hurriedly.

 

SNOOP            No moaning. Not mooning.

SNIVEL            Ooo. Sorry.

 

Snivel drops down behind the wall.

 

SNIVEL            (Shouting) Now what?

SNOOP            Quietly sneak round to the main door and open it.

SNIVEL            (Shouting) Ok.

SNOOP            Snivel?

                        What boss?

SNOOP            ( Shouting) Stop shouting you’ll wake up the King.

 

We here the sound of a creaking door. Re enter Snivel through door.

 

SNIVEL            This way boss.......Sh!!!

SNOOP            Why are you so stupid?

SNIVEL            Well I blame me dad. He was a teddy boy you know..

SNOOP            What’s that got to do with it?

SNIVEL            It was is genes that did it you see.

SNOOP            His genes?

SNIVEL            Yes he fell off a roof putting on his drainpipe trousers.

                        He was never the same again.

SNOOP            Snivel?

SNIVEL            Yes boss.

SNOOP            Shut up!

SNIVEL            Right boss...What if...

SNOOP            I said not another word.

SNIVEL            But I.......Ouch!                 

 

Using the ladder Snoop pushes Snivel through doors.

Exit Snoop and Snivel into the castle. the doors close behind them.

 

 A light inside the cave is switched on. Enter Tom the Cat from inside. He creeps out carefully. He carries a stick for protection.

 

TOM               (Frightened) Who’s there? Come on out. I’ve got a big stick.

 

Tom walks around the tree. When he returns he is being followed by a bear. When Tom stops the bear stops. When Tom scratches his head the bear scratches its head. When Tom looks to the left the bear looks to the left. When Tom looks to the right the bear looks to the right.

 

AUD                He’s behind you!

TOM               What? Who? Where?

 

Tom turns full circle around to his right and the bear follows him around.

 

TOM               There’s no body there!

AUD                Oh yes there is!

 

Tom turns full circle around to his left and the bear follows him around.

 

TOM               Look there’s no one there.

AUD                Oh yes there is. He’s behind you.

TOM               What right now? Sure?

AUD                Yes.

TOM               Ok then. You say he’s behind me?

AUD                Yes.

 

Tom takes up a Martial Arts position. The bear takes up the same pose.

 

TOM               I warn you who ever you are, I’m an expert at Intendo?

 

Tom jumps up in typical Martial Arts style turns and faces the Bear. They face each other. Suddenly there is a loud bang and a flash from inside the cave. Smoke pours out from the cave. Tom jumps out of his skin. We hear witch type laughter from inside the cave. The bear runs off. Tom turns and points to the cave.

 

TOM               Now that’s Hazel. She’s a witch and I’m her cat, Tom.

 

Witch Type laughter. There is another flash from inside the cave. Witch type laughter.

 

TOM               That’s her. Listen to that noise. What a caterwauling. Between you and I he’s not a pretty sight. I wouldn’t say she’s ugly but she looks better with

TOM               a mudpack on. She’s been like this ever since she met the king on a blind date. He expected a vision and she turned out to be a sight.

                        She tried a  face lift but that failed, they had to lower her body instead. If you ask me It’ll take surgery not sorcery to improve those looks.

TOM               I could have been a Aristocat you know. My parents worked at the king’s                              palace. Now look at me, a common moggy working as a Witch’s cat.

                         Now that hurts my felines. I’m a cat of royal blood. I’ve got blue blood                                running through my veins. I’m choosy. I’ve got breeding. Pure pedigree I                                     am chum.

 

Enter Witch Hazel. She stands seductively at the cave entrance.

 

HAZEL            Tom is that you?

TOM               Who else your Sorcership.

HAZEL            Well what do you think? 

TOM               Um.?

HAZEL            My spell book says this is the face of a saint.

TOM               What...a Saint Bernard.

HAZEL            Well I’ve tried everything. Nothing seems to work.

                        That’s it I’m finished as a witch.

TOM               Good. I can retire, become a cat of leisure.

HAZEL            Tom you don’t understand my frustrations. I love the king I want to                                     marry him. I need to look beautiful for him.

TOM               Then lets hope he’s short sighted.

HAZEL            You don’t know how it affects me.

TOM               Yes I do, no witch, no job. No job no cat. I’m off.

HAZEL            Come back I need you. I need your assistance. I want you to be my

                        apprentice.

TOM               Apprentice? I’m a cat for heavens sake. I’m no magician. Get a                                                 rabbit. Try Paul Daniels.

HAZEL            But Tom...

TOM               No I’m off to seek my fortune.

 

Hazel now tries to change Tom’s mind.

 

HAZEL            But Tom a witch needs her little pussy. Whose ever heard of a witch                            without her cat.

TOM               What about Mystic Meg she don’t have a cat.

HAZEL            But she’s catty with it!

TOM               True.

 

Hazel begins to stroke Tom’s fur.

 

TOM               I hear Dick Wittington needs a cat. He’s over run with rats. I could                                        always help him chase them away, and become a Possy Cat.

 

Hazel plays with Tom’s ears.

 

HAZEL            But I need a pussy too.

 

Tom begins to weaken. Hazel now plays with his tail .

 

HAZEL            Come my little kitten kins. Stay and help me. I’d be ever so grateful.

TOM               You would? O all right then.

 

Hazel immediately stops fondling Tom and goes into the cave.

 

TOM               Charming!

 

Hazel returns carrying a large spell book. She also positions a large bubbling cauldron at the entrance to the cave. Steam bubbles out of the pot. She hands the book to Tom.

 

 SONG SUNG BY TOM AND HAZEL           

    *LOVE POTION NUMBER NINE

 

HAZEL            Open that spell book and start looking.

TOM               What am I looking for?

HAZEL            An elixir that will make me look beautiful.

 

Hazel starts to stir the mixture.

 

TOM               What about vanishing cream?

HAZEL            I need to have beauty etched into this face.

TOM               You have, if you read between the lines.

HAZEL            I need this face looking like a million dollars the next time I see the                          king.

TOM               What all green and wrinkled.         

HAZEL            Stop messing about and find me my beauty potion.

 

Tom flicks through the pages and stops at POTIONS.

 

TOM               Here it is Beauty Potions. We need.....

 

Tom reads from the book as Hazel throws the items and stirs the pot.                       

 

TOM               An Eye of newt and a toe of frog. The wart of  toad and tongue of dog.

                        A Lizards leg and a spider’s sting. The Scale of dragon, ug! and black                            bat’s wing. Are you really gona drink this? Ug!

 

Hazel stirs the pot and laughs as the cauldron bubbles.

 

* Any song can be used. The song inserted is only a suggestion.    

 

TOM               Well?

 

Hazel sticks her finger in and tastes it.

 

HAZEL            It tastes of liquorice.

TOM               Well it takes all sorts.

 

There is a pause.

 

TOM               Is it working?

HAZEL            What do you think?

 

She thrusts her ugly face into Tom’s.

 

 TOM              This is hopeless Hazel. You’ll just have to stay ugly. You can always                                     wear a paper bag.

HAZEL            Stop being sarcastic are you sure that’s all there is?

 

She peers into the book as Tom turns the page over.

 

TOM               Oops....Sorry. There’s more?

HAZEL            Well what does it say?

TOM               Let me see........

 

Tom starts reading the ingredients as Hazel drops them into the pot.

 

TOM               Right we need a root of hemlock, a gall of a goat, some poisoned                                                 entrails and ...oh!

HAZEL            Yes?

TOM               Oh dear?.

HAZEL            What’s wrong?

TOM               Nothing really but I don’t think you’ve got the final ingredient....

HAZEL            O bubble and bother!

TOM               Its a pity really, it says you’d get a body like Pamela Anderson’s....after                               the operation.

HAZEL            O hemlocks?

TOM               Can you say that?

HAZEL            Well what’s the missing ingredient?

TOM               Milk!

HAZEL            Milk?

TOM               Yes.

HAZEL            So where do we get milk at this time of night.

TOM               What about Tates there always open late.

HAZEL            Be serious...

TOM               A cow!

 

Hazel clips him across the ear.

 

HAZEL            Don’t be rude.

TOM               No we need a milk cow.                                                    

HAZEL            So where do we find cows?

TOM               Off the Isle Of White?

HAZEL            Your right we need to get a cow.

TOM               What at this time of night? I’m tired I’m a putty cat and this cats staying                          put.

 

Hazel grabs him by his fur.

 

HAZEL            Look you flea bitten mongrel.

TOM               Ouch!

HAZEL            Once I’m pretty I can  marry the king.

TOM               So?

HAZEL            I become a queen that’ll make you a royal. Got it now.

TOM               I’ll be an Aristocat?... Just like dear old dad!

HAZEL            O well done fish breath now do you understand?

TOM               Yes Purrfectly.

 

Tom starts scratching. Tom shows her his finger end.

 

HAZEL            How disgusting! Get rid of it!

 

Tom attempts to put it in his mouth but thinks better of it and wipes it down his fur.

 

HAZEL            Listen flea-ball I’m not taking you out looking like that. You need to tidy                           yourself up.

TOM               Me? How?

HAZEL            Well comb your hair! Brush your fur!

TOM               Get knotted.

HAZEL            What?

TOM               It gets knotted.

HAZEL            I bet you do. Here use this.

 

She brings out a comb.

 

TOM               What, that’ll be the death of me. What is it?

HAZEL            A Catacomb.

 

She attempts to use it on Tom.

 

TOM               Stop it, its purrgatory. Ouch! that hurts.

HAZEL            Don’t be such a scaredy cat.

TOM               Ouch!

HAZEL            That’ll have to do come on  we’re leaving we need to find a cow.

TOM               I think we’ve found one!

HAZEL            What was that?

TOM               It sounds like fun.

 

They exit.

 

End Of Act 1 Sc 1.

 

                       

 

 

 

           

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Act 1

Sc2

 

                                                The Throne Room

The backdrop is the inside of castle. A throne is stage centre. A large wall safe is stage left. Other assorted castle type props are around the stage. A large 3 sided mediaeval  screen stands to the rear. The stage is in darkness.

 

Enter Snoop and Snivel in the darkness to eerie music and UV lighting effects.

 

SNIVEL            Snoop I don’t like this. I’m afraid of the dark. I read ghosts and spooks            

                        travel in the dark.

SNOOP            And where did you read that nonsense.

SNIVEL            In Ghoul-livers Travels.

 

They shine the torch ahead of them. They stop in front of the screen. A ghost now rises up from behind the screen. It hovers above the screen and moans. Snivel looks up  but the ghost floats back down behind the screen. Snivel looks around the screen.

 

SNIVEL            Ooooo!

 

He grabs hold of Snoop.

 

SNIVEL            Snoop! I think there’s an evil spirit behind that screen.

SNOOP           Sh!!!!!. Don’t be stupid. I’ve told you there’s no such thing as ghosts. Have you been drinking?

SNIVEL            Just a swig of  Mentholated Spirits to calm my nerves.

SNOOP            Why do you drink so much?

SNIVEL            To forget.

SNOOP            Forget what?

SNIVEL            I don’t know I’ve forgot.

SNOOP            Stop making a spectre of yourself and help me look for that safe.

 

Snoop moves off to carry on the search. Snivel remains where he is. The ghost reappears and floats above the screen again. Snivel looks up and sees the ghost. The ghost floats back down.

 

SNIVEL            Snoop!......Snoop.?

 

From somewhere in the darkness.

 

SNOOP            Sh! What is it now?

SNIVEL            I’m being haunted again.

SNOOP            Well it is a Phantomine what do you expect. Look I’ve told you ghost                            don’t exist.

 

SNIVEL            Well this one does its playing Haunt and Seek with me!     

 

Snivel starts to walk towards Snoop as he passes the edge of the screen the ghost comes out and follows him. The ghost taps Snivel on the shoulder. Snivel turns around slowly expecting the worse. Their eyes meet and Snivel is petrified.

 

SNIVEL            Help.............!

SNOOP            What now?

 

The ghost turns and goes  back behind the screen.

 

SNIVEL            Its back.

SNOOP            What’s back?

 

Snoop joins Snivel and looks about the stage.

 

SNIVEL            Well it was there.(To Aud) Wasn’t it?  I’m off. I’m not staying                                            here. This place is haunted.

SNOOP            Oh no it isn’t.

 

Use Audience.

 

SNIVEL            Oh yes it is.

SNOOP            Sh!! You’ll wake up the whole castle.

SNIVEL            It were one of them Hungarian ghosts. I could smell the Ghoulash on its                                     breath.

SNOOP            Look around you I can’t see it, can you?

SNIVEL            Its not funny I saw a ghost.

SNOOP            A ghost? Grow up there are no such things as ghost.

SNIVEL            Well I saw it I’m sure it fancied me. It were love at first fright.

SNOOP            Well how did it get in then?

SNIVEL            With one of them there skeleton keys I bet.

SNOOP            Don’t be such a baby come on lets find that safe.

 

They shine the torch on to the safe.

 

SNOOP            Ah! There it is.

 

They go over to the safe.

 

SNOOP            Ok! Open it.

SNIVEL            Me?

SNOOP            Your the safe cracker. Crack it.

 

 

 

Snivel takes out a pair of silly glasses. Ones that have springs on so the eyes keep bouncing up and down.

 

SNOOP            Take them off and stop fooling about.

 

Snivel starts to twiddle with the safe’s lock turning the dial and listening at the door.

 

SNOOP            Hurry up. How much longer?

SNIVEL            Nearly there. Got it!

 

Snivel opens the safe. There is a whoosh and steam drifts out. A red beam of light shoots out of the safe. Strange animal noises come from inside the safe. Snivel stands back afraid.

 

SNIVEL            What the....?

 

They both look at the safe with suspicion.

 

SNOOP            Ok get the money.

SNIVEL            Me? I’m not sticking my hand in there.   

 

 Snivel puts his hands in his pockets.

 

SNOOP            Take your hands out of your pockets and get the money.

 

Snivel hitches up his trousers.

 

SNIVEL            Can’t my belts snapped.

SNOOP            Get out of the way I’ll do it. Just watch my back.

 

Snoop moves towards the safe. He is closely followed by Snivel. Snoop stops and turns. He bumps into Snivel.

 

SNOOP            What are you doing?

SNIVEL            Watching your back as you said.

 

Snoop now pushes Snivel to the front.

 

SNIVEL            You get it. Go on. I’ve had enough of your stupidity.

 

Snivel starts to put his hand in the safe. There is an animal noise. He retracts his hand.

 

SNOOP            Hurry up.

SNIVEL            But there’s something in there.

 

 

Snivel goes to put his hand in again. Snoop looks in the SWAG bag. Large spider like legs and head pop out of the safe and grab Snivel’s hand.

 

SNIVEL            Help!......Snoop there’s a great big......

 

The spider creature lets go of his hand.

 

SNOOP            Sh!! You’ll wake up the king. What’s the matter now? How much                                            was in the safe?

SNIVEL            I don’t know...

SNOOP            Your useless I’ll do it we’ve wasted enough time already.

SNIVEL            But there’s a great big nasty.....

SNOOP            What?

SNIVEL            Oh nothing... Go ahead be my guest.

 

Snivel looks pleased with himself. Snoop puts his hand in the safe. Nothing happens. Snoop collects a large book.

 

SNOOP            Curses its empty there’s no money

SNIVEL            What... but there was a great big hairy.....

 

He looks in the safe the spider creature grabs his face. Snoop opens the book.

 

SNIVEL            Help...Get it off me. Get it off.

 

Snivel struggles free and tries to close the safe door. The spider creature battles with him to prevent him closing the door. Finally Snivel wins and the safe door is closed with a bang.

 

SNIVEL            Well how much money did we get?

SNOOP            Nothing, the safe was empty.

SNIVEL            Empty! You mean I went through all that for nothing.

SNOOP            But I did get this.

SNIVEL            What is it?

SNOOP            Its Widow Wart’s rent book.

SNIVEL            Is that all ? No money?

 

Snoop beacons Snivel to come closer.

 

SNOOP            Listen I’ve just had another idea.

SNIVEL            Well I hope its better than the last one. Thousands of pounds you said                              was in that safe and all we get is a crummy rent book worth nothing.

SNOOP            Your wrong its worth Widow Warts cottage.

 

Snivel and Snoop get closer.

 

SNIVEL            How?

SNOOP            Tomorrow morning we’ll visit Widow Wart. She’s behind with the                                    rent. We say we’re the king’s new rent collectors and demand her

                        arrears.

SNIVEL            Ooo!  I bet that’ll be painful.

SNOOP            What?

SNIVEL            Cutting off her ears.

SNOOP            We don’t cut off her ears stupid, listen when she can’t pay we throw                           her out into the streets then we can take over her  house and

                        Bob’s             your uncle.

SNIVEL            No!

SNOOP            What’s wrong with that. Its a perfect plan?

SNIVEL            Uncle Earnie. I’m sure he’s my uncle.

SNOOP            Shut up and listen.

SNIVEL            I’m all ears

SNOOP            So I see.

 

A flickering bright light is seen stage left.

 

Off Stage

THE KING            Who’s there?

SNOOP            Quickly its time to go we’ve awakened the king.

 

Snoop and Snivel exit.

 

Enter the King carrying a lit candle. He is dressed in a night shirt .

 

KING              Jingles! Is that you?

 

Enter Jingles the Jester he also carries a candle. He is dressed in a night shirt .

 

JINGLES            Yes your majesty.

KING              O good I thought for a moment you we’re a burglar.

JINGLES            No sire its only me Jingles your Jester.

 

They stand either side of the stage holding a lit candle each.

 

KING              I’m not amused Jingles, in fact YOU never amuse me.

JINGLES            What do expect at this time of the night.

KING              You never amuse during the day either. I don’t know why I pay                                           you.

JINGLES            But sire you don’t.

KING              I employ you to make me laugh.

JINGLES            But I’m not too good at telling jokes.

KING              Try juggling then.

JINGLES            Balls?

KING              What? Be careful Jingles I’m your king.

JINGLES            No sir, do you want me to juggle with these balls.

 

Jingles takes out juggling balls. The king puts the lights .

 

KING              Of all the jesters in all the world I end up with this one.

 

   SONG SUNG BY JINGLES AND THE KING

                                        *DON’T LAUGH AT ME

 

Enter Wanda the King’s daughter. (King and Jingles).

 

WANDA            Well hello Jingles still juggling your balls I see.

 

Jingles drops the balls.

 

JESTER            O!...Hello Wanda, yes your dad’s got me playing with my balls again.

                        He says I need the practice

KING              Oh its you Daughter sorry  have we woken you up?

 

She goes across to the king and kisses him softly on the cheek.

 

WANDA            Not really daddy I’ve been awake for ages. I couldn’t sleep I kept                                       hearing strange noises.

KING              Yes I heard them too.

JINGLES            What did these noises sound like.

WANDA            There was a kind of a scurrying sound, like furry animals make.

KING              And there was this crunching noise and then a loud pop.

JINGLES            No need to worry sir it were only the Mice Crispies old places like this                         are full of them.

WANDA            Well what ever it was it ruined my dream. There I was lying fast asleep                                     in bed dreaming of my darling Jack.....

 

Jingles goes across to the king.

 

JINGLES            That’s Widow Wart’s son your majesty. She’s got a crush on him.

KING              Yes I know.

 

 

The king looks in the safe.

 

KING              Well it appears we’ve not been burgled so we can all go back  to bed.

JINGLES            Thank you sire. Good night Wanda.

 

* Any song can be used. The song inserted is only a suggestion.

Exit Jingles

 

WANDA            Yes good night Jingles.

KING              Well my dear you’d better be off to bed too. You’ll need your beauty                          sleep if  your to marry a handsome prince.

WANDA            But daddy I don’t want to marry a handsome prince I want to marry

                        Jack.

KING              But Wanda he lives in that awful cottage with his condemned mother.

WANDA            What?

KING              Or is it the other way round. Any rate you should be looking for a rich                               handsome young man not a lazy penniless layabout like him.

WANDA            He’s not lazy and its not his fault he’s poor.

KING              Well has he fixed up my cottage yet.

WANDA            Well, not exactly he just needs some help now and then.

KING              You see he’s useless.

WANDA            Well I don’t care. He needs a hand and I’m going over there first thing                             tomorrow to give him one.

 

Exit Wanda

 

KING              Silly girl.

 

Exit king.

 

End Of Act 1 Sc2

 

 

 

 

 

                                   

 

 

 

 

 

                       

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Act 1

Sc 3

 

                                    Widow Wart’s Cottage.

 

The scene opens inside an old cottage. There is a door which opens and takes stage centre. On either side of the door are two windows set into the walls. These are open windows and characters can pass by them on the outside of the cottage. A sofa type chair which can collapse back when sat on is under a window. By the side of the sofa a large plant on a plant stand. Above the door is a shelf which has one side fixed the other side collapsible. On the shelf is a row of books. A table and two chairs are in the centre of the room. Two cupboards can be found around the room fixed to the walls. These have open backs and doors which open. There is a small wall cupboard fixed to the wall with a door that opens. On one wall is an old fashioned phone. An old wood burning stove with crooked stove pipe is positioned to one side of the room.

 

As the curtain opens Widow Wart and Daisy the cow are on stage. Widow Wart is bending over the stove. Her bottom towards the audience. Daisy the cow is sat down on a chair at the table. Daisy is reading the DAIRY MALE. A sign FOR SALE WIDOW WART’S HOME MADE PIES stands near the door. Smoke is poring out from the stove. Widow Wart is removing pies from the stove and placing them on a tray.

 

 

 

WART            Oh dear! O dear!

 

She turns to the audience. The pies on her tray are smoking. She tries to pick up a pie. Its too hot and she drops it to the floor. The stove is smoking. Smoke drifts around the house.

 

WART            Oh dear ...Fire! Fire!. I’m on fire. The house is on fire. Everything’s on fire!

 

In response Daisy panics and runs wildly about the stage. She knocks Widow Wart to the floor. The pies go everywhere.

 

Enter Jack her son. He is carrying a bucket of water. In the chaos Jack slips on a pie and grabs hold of the stove pipe. Water spills over him and the whole stove explodes with a flash and a bang.

 

WART            Oh Jack what have you done?  We’re ruined. Look at all this mess.                            Oooo I’ve come over rather faint. I’m feeling home sick.

JACK              But mum your at home.

WART            I know but I’m sick of it. (She clips him over the ear)

 

 

JACK              Ouch! What was that for?

WART            I don’t know yet but I'll think of something. Look you’ve wrecked the                             stove and those were the last of the pies. I was hoping to sell those to                                    pay the rent.

 

Jack and the Widow start to pick up the pies.

 

WART            Oh I do wish you were more careful Jack

 

Widow Wart looks at her self in a hand mirror.

 

WART            What a mess, just look at me.

JACK              Do I have to?

 

SONG SUNG BY WIDOW WART AND JACK 

                     *SHUT UP A YOUR FACE

 

WART            Jack! Come on help me straighten up this place.

JACK              Why is it tilted?

 

Jack now talks to the audience while Widow Wart tidies up.

 

JACK              Hi there! My names Jack and that’s my mother Widow Wart. You see

                        We’re very poor.(Ah!) We’re poorer than that! Mum could never afford to                       buy me shoes she use to paint my feet black and lace up my toes.

 

 Widow Wart finishes and sits down and starts to cry.

 

JACK              Don’t cry mum, I’ll think of something.

WART            Well It’ll have to be quick the rents  due and if we don’t pay it’ll be the                           streets for me.

JACK              Is there anything we can sell?

WART            Look about you who would want to buy anything from here?

 

Daisy looks about and shakes her head in response to the question.

 

WART            We have to face it were poor. We’ve only the cow to call our own.

 

Daisy takes a bow.

 

WART            Were destitute. Were doomed son. I’m Doomed to walk the dark and                               lonely streets.

JACK              Now stop that mum something will turn up.

 

 

There is a knock on the door.

 

JACK              See!

 

Jack opens the door. Wanda stands in the doorway. Jack slams it shut.

 

WART            Who was that?         

JACK              Its Wanda, the king’s daughter.

WART            That was rude!

JACK              But she fancies me she wants to be my girlfriend.

WART            You could do a lot worse son. If you married her all our troubles would                           be over.

JACK              And mine just beginning.

 

Widow Wart opens the door. Wanda stands in the doorway.

 

WART            Oh do come in dear. We’re a little upside down at the moment.

WANDA            Hello Jack( She blows him a kiss)

JACK              ( He ducks) Hello Wanda ( Not impressed)

WART            Do come in how do you like my house as a whole?

WANDA            As a hole its all right but as a house its a bit of a mess.

WART            That’s Jack’s fault he’s useless about the house.

JACK              But mum you said I was a model son.

WART            Yes but not a working model.

WANDA            Well don’t worry Jack I’ve come to help after all what are friends for.

JACK              (Aside) Avoiding.

WART            ( Interrupting ) Jack! What are we going to do unless Wanda here has                                    got our rent money were in the gutter.

WANDA            I’m sorry Mrs. Wart I can’t help there I’m afraid.

WART            The cow!

WANDA            Well I’m sorry .

WART            No the cow!

JACK              Where? Your mothers not coming to stay is she?

WART            No What about Daisy?

 

Daisy suddenly reacts when she hears her name.

 

WART            We’ll sell Daisy.

JACK              What?.......But...

WART            No buts we need the money.

 

Daisy is devastated. Jack is heart broken. Daisy and Jack hug each other.

 

JACK              Not Daisy. Please not my only friend and companion.

WART            ( To Wanda) He was an only child you see he only had himself to play                          with.

WANDA            Now he’s got me.

 

Daisy starts to cry. Water squirts from her eyes. Jack brings out a large handkerchief and wipes her eyes. He wrings out the handkerchief on to the floor.

 

WART            Sorry Jack but we’re desperate. Daisy your our only hope.       

 

Widow Wart goes over to Daisy.

 

WART            Jack will sell you to a nice farmer. Someone who will treat you                                         nice. Look after you. Won’t you Jack?

JACK              ( Sadly) Yes mum.

WART            Then off you go and take Wanda with you.

 

Widow Wart gives Daisy a hug. Daisy starts to cry again. Jack and Wanda encourage the audience to say...Ah!

 

Exit Daisy, Jack and Wanda.

 

Widow Wart starts to clean up the room. The face of Snivel appears at the left hand window. Widow  Wart looks towards the window sensing someone is there.

 

Snivel pops down unseen. Widow Wart continues with her cleaning. The face of Snoop now appears at the right hand window. Widow  Wart looks towards the window sensing someone is there. Snoop pops down unseen. Widow Wart continues with her cleaning. The face of Snivel  appears in the right window at the same time Snoop’s face appears in the left window. They stand together at each window. The Widow carries on with her cleaning.

 

SNOOP            Mrs Wart?

 

She is startled and stops cleaning. She looks at Snoop.

 

WART            And who wants to know?

SNOOP            I’m Harry Snoop and this is Mr Dick Snivel. We’re

                        the king’s new debt collectors and you Mrs Wart owe us rent.

 

Snoop waves her rent book.

 

Widow Wart runs to the door and stands with her back to it her arms outstretched as if trying to stop them entering the room.

 

WART            Oh heck! Jack will be ages yet. I’ll have to stall them try to get rid of                            them. Go away there’s no one in!

 

 

 

Snoop and Snivel look at each other from either side of the windows. They shrug their shoulders in a mock gesture and pop back down under the window. They move unseen to stand behind  the front door.

 

WART            Boy that was close.

 

There is a loud knock on the door. Widow Wart jumps out of her skin.

 

WART            What?.. Oh bother there still here.

 

The knocking continues and there is a struggle with the door as Widow Wart tries to stop Snoop and Snivel entering. She loses the battle and is swept aside as the door is finally pushed open.

 

SNOOP            Madam Wart?

WART            What do you want?

SNOOP            Your rent money.

SNOOP            Your rent book Mrs Wart says you owe us...um!...quite a lot.

 

Snoop looks in book and shows it to Widow Wart.

 

WART            That much? O heck  I can’t raise all that. Cardboard city here I come.

SNOOP            Look Mrs Wart let me be frank.

WART            But I thought you said your name was Harry.

SNOOP            You owe us and we intend to collect don’t we Mr Snivel ?

SNIVEL            Yes so pay up or else

WART            Oooo heck!.. um... my son Jack will pay. You know Jack?

SNIVEL            No I haven’t had the pleasure.

WART            Its no pleasure I can assure you but he’s gone to get the money.

SNOOP            So where is he I don’t see him is he out?

WART            Yes, way out...but he’ll be back!

SNOOP            Then we’ll wait for his return.

 

Snoop sits down at the table. Widow Wart sits opposite him. Snivel remains standing and wanders aimlessly around the room inspecting objects. He stands at the window looking out and stretching.

 

WART            What’s he doing pretending to be a pair of curtains?

SNOOP            Snivel come away from the window...

WART            Yes pull yourself together.

SNOOP           Make yourself useful here take this( He hands him paper and                                                 pencil) and make a list of the things worth stealing ...I mean selling.

 

SNIVEL            Ok boss

SNOOP            ( Taking Snivel aside) Don’t call me boss..

SNIVEL            Ok boss.

 

Snivel looks about the room.

 

SNOOP            Now Mrs Wart lets discuss your short comings.

 

Meanwhile Snivel opens a cupboard door. An ironing board drops down hits him on the head . The ironing board springs back in the cupboard and the cupboard door closes.

 

SNIVEL            Ouch!

SNOOP            What are you doing.

SNIVEL            Getting board.

 

Snivel rubs his head and continues to inspect the room. He finds one of  Widow Wart’s pies and eats it.

 

The telephone rings.

 

WART            (Whispering) It was cut off!

SNOOP            Oh dear how painful!

WART            The PHONE we’ve been disconnected for months.

SNOOP            Snivel ! the phone, get the phone.

SNIVEL            Yes boss.

 

He goes to the phone and ties to rip it off the wall.

 

SNOOP            No pick it up. Answer it!                   

SNIVEL            Hello.....yes....yes.. You what ? Ok I’ll ask. Its Anglian Water

                        they say they’ve finished the repairs and do you want your water

                        switching back on.

 

WART            Oooo yes please.

SNIVEL            Yes please.

 

Water squirts out of the mouth piece all over Snivel. Snivel slams down the phone. The phone rings again.

 

SNOOP            I said answer the phone.

SNIVEL            I did and I got all wet.

SNOOP            Don’t be silly.

 

The phone continues to ring.

 

SNOOP            Well answer it!

SNIVEL            On ye bike I got soaked last time.

SNOOP            THE PHONE!

SNIVEL            Yes boss.

SNOOP            Stop calling me boss!

 

Snivel picks up the phone. Holds the receiver away from his mouth and shouts.

 

SNIVEL            Its who?.....Its the milkman... He says how many pints do you                                          want?  

WART            Tell him no milk today but I’ll have a carton of cream.

SNIVEL            No milk but gives us the cream.

 

Cream is squirted down the phone all over Snivel’s face.

 

WART            Creamed again!

SNOOP            What are you doing I give you a simple job to do and you mess it up.

SNIVEL            But.... It wasn’t my fault...

 

Snoop grabs  him by the ear and leads him off stage.

 

SNOOP            Do excuse me for a second we’ll be back in a tick.

SNIVEL            But........

 

Off stage we hear a loud thump?

 

There is a scuffling in the cupboard. Widow Wart goes over to it. Jack pops his head from out of the cupboard.

 

WART            Jack!  What are you doing in here?

 

Wanda’s head pops out.

 

WANDA            Hello Mrs Wart isn’t this exciting my hands are all of a tremble.

JACK              Ooooo! So I see

WART            Sh! They’ll hear you.

JACK              Wanda behave yourself  I’m talking to mum. We saw those two entering the cottage and  though you might need a hand.

WART            So the  ironing board and the phone was you two.

WANDA            Yes

WART            Well done stick around and help me get rid of them.

 

There is a noise off stage and Snoop and Snivel return. Snivel is holding his chin. Jack and Wanda go back into the cupboard.

 

SNOOP            Well Mrs Wart where’s this son of yours? Times running out.

                        My associate here is getting very impatient.

 

There is a knock on the door.

 

SNIVEL            There’s someone at the door boss.

SNOOP            Well open it then.

 

Snivel opens the door. Daisy stands in the door way.

 

SNIVEL            Its a cow! Snoop there’s a cow at the door.

WART            The man’s a genius.

SNIVEL            What’s a cow knocking on the door for?

WART            Cos we `ant got a bell.

 

Daisy kicks Snivel on the shin and Widow Wart quickly closes the door. Snivel hops about the room and falls onto the sofa which tips over and he falls backwards knocking over the plant.

 

SNIVEL            Ouch the cow kicked me!

SNOOP            Now now Mrs.Wart lets not resort to violence.

 

Snivel gets up there is a knock on the door again.

 

SNIVEL            O no not again. Not me I’m not opening it!

 

Snoop opens the door.

 

SNOOP            Look there’s no one there now stop messing me about.

SNIVEL            But boss

SNOOP            And stop calling me boss.

 

Snivel goes over to the door and looks through it.

 

SNIVEL            Um ..your right, no one there....but..

SNOOP            Now close that door and lets finish what we came to do.

 

Snivel closes the door with a bang and dislodges the shelf above the door. The objects on the shelf hit Snivel on the head.

 

SNOOP            So what’s this place worth?

 

Snivel opens up another cupboard and looks inside.

 

SNIVEL            Its all rubbish, There’s nothing here worth stealing.

SNOOP            Selling! So Mrs Wart there you have it. You’ve nothing worth selling

                        and as this mysterious son of yours hasn’t returned with the money                                     I’m afraid....

SNIVEL            Here look what I’ve found.

 

Suddenly the lights go out. The stage is in semidarkness. Snivel takes a box out of the cupboard and goes over to the table.

 

SNOOP            Now what have you done?

SNIVEL            It weren’t me I didn’t touch a thing.

 

The box has the words " ACME  FIREWORKS " written on it. Fireworks stick out from the top of the box.

 

SNOOP            Well get them back on.

SNIVEL            Yes boss. Hang  I’ve had an idea. I’m sure I saw a candle in this er box                                I found. Yes here it is. Snoop have you got a light?

 

Before Snoop can answer an arm shoots out from the cupboard with a lighted match in its fingers. Snivel picks up the firework and goes to the cupboard.

 

SNIVEL            Its Ok boss I’ve got one. Thanks mate.

 

Snivel takes the match and the arm goes back into the cupboard. Snivel lights the firework and the fuse starts to sparkle. The lights go back on and the stage is fully lit again.

 

SNOOP            About time. We don’t need that now blow it out.

 

Snivel tries to blow out the candle. He can’t.

 

SNIVEL            I can’t.

 

Snoop looks at the box.

 

SNOOP            Did you say you got that candle from in here?

SNIVEL            Yes

 

Snoop holds up the box so Snivel can read the label.

 

SNOOP            Well done Einstein. You know what you’ve got there don’t you.

 

Snivel nods his head sadly.

 

SNOOP            And you know what and its going to do don’t you?

SNIVEL            Explode?

SNOOP            Explode!

 

 

 

 

There is panic as the firework is passed around one to the other. Finally it ends up back in the box still alight. Snivel picks up the box and puts it back in the cupboard and closes the door. The door is re-opened and the hand gives Snivel the box back. Snivel panics again and goes to the other cupboard and puts the box inside. He leans up against the door. They all wait for the explosion. Nothing happens.        

 

SNIVEL            Its a dud. Cor that was a lucky escape.

SNOOP            It sure was.

 

Snivel turns to open the cupboard door.

 

WART            Are you sure its safe?

SNIVEL            `Cors it is, do you think I’m stupid?

 

As he opens the cupboard the firework explodes. Snivel is covered with gunge.

 

SNOOP            Now look what you’ve done.

SNIVEL            Me but.

SNOOP            Shut up, I need time to think. Were leaving Mrs Wart

WART            Good about time.

SNOOP            But we’ll be back.

SNIVEL            Yes I’ll be back.                      

SNOOP            And I expect payment in full.

 

Exit Snoop and Snivel.

 

Jack ,Wanda and Daisy come out of hiding.

 

WART            Well you heard all that. Daisy will have to go.

JACK              But poor Daisy wants to stay with us mum.

WART            Sorry Jack but we’ve been through this before. We’ve no option but to                             sell her. Go on off  with the lot of you.

 

Jack, Wanda and Daisy leave to much sadness.

 

WART            And Jack?

JACK              Yes mum?

WART            Get a good price for her. Your mum owes a lot of money.

JACK              Ok mum. See you later.

 

Widow Wart sits down at the table looks about the room and starts to cry.

 

WART            Oh dear! Oh dear Oh dear! Oh dear Oh dear Oh dear!

 

End Of Act 1 Sc 3

 

Act 1

Sc 4

 

                                      A Road In The Forest

 

Backdrop forest scene.

 

Enter Hazel and Tom.

 

TOM               Oh my aching paws I’m dog tired.

HAZEL            Stop complaining. You need more vitamins in your food. You look far                                to weak and small for a healthy cat.

TOM               That’s because I was brought up on condensed milk.

HAZEL            Here take a swig of this. This’ll put fur on your chest.

 

Tom takes a flask and swigs from it.

 

TOM               Ug! What’s this made from its horrible. It tastes of lemons.

HAZEL            Don’t be such a sour puss just drink it.

TOM               How much farther.

HAZEL            Not far.

HAZEL            Wait. I’m getting these strange feelings.

TOM               Well keep away from me I’m a cat.

HAZEL            No Tom. Just listen.

 

Enter Jack, Wanda, and Daisy.

 

HAZEL            See! my vibes were right.

TOM               Mine send me little messages from time to time too.

 

Tom starts to scratch.

 

HAZEL            The very creature we seek.  I need that cow. Go and find out                                                 if its for sale. I’ll hide over there in case my ugliness frightens them                           away.

TOM               Well it scares the hell out me.

 

Tom goes over to Jack and Wanda. Daisy reacts to Tom. Tom is a little scared of Daisy. 

 

TOM               Afternoon Sir, Miss.

JACK              Afternoon.

 

Wanda starts to sniff the air. They all start sniffing. Finally they sniff Tom.

 

 

 

WANDA            Ugh! what a smelly scruffy cat. Good afternoon and good riddance.

 

Tom smells himself.

 

TOM               Sorry miss but I’m a wild cat I have to live by my wits.

WANDA            With your nits more like.

 

Tom scratches himself.

 

WANDA            See what I mean. Disgusting!

TOM               Could you spare a morsel or two for a cat down on his luck.

JACK              Sorry mate we haven’t got a bean between us.

TOM               I see a couple of has beans.

JACK              I’m Jack and that’s my girlfriend Wanda.

TOM               I’m Tom. What brings you down to the woods today?

JACK              Well Tom, can you keep a secret?

TOM               I can, but its the people I tell it to who can’t.

JACK              We’re off to the market right now to sell the cow over there.

 

Tom looks at Wanda

 

TOM               Oh I see.

WANDA            Not me you horrid little cat, Daisy!

JACK              Mum needs the money to pay our rent, otherwise we end up homeless.

TOM               I see. How much?

WANDA            What?

TOM               For the cow. How much?

JACK              You want to buy Daisy but I don’t understand.

WANDA            What do you want with a cow I thought you were a stray?

 

There is a flash and Hazel now comes out of hiding.

 

HAZEL            It’s me who wants the cow your friendly neighbourhood

                        witch.  

TOM               That’s my mistress Witch Hazel she’s a sorceress.

HAZEL            Thank you Tom I’ll deal with it now.

TOM               Very well your Saucership.

HAZEL            You see Tom is my animal familiar.

WANDA            I can see the family resemblance your both ugly.

HAZEL            I send him on errands and he carries out my bidding.

                        Tom is my pillar of strength.

TOM               Yes I’m a caterpillar.

WANDA            Well he certainly makes me crawl.                    

TOM               All witches have cats. Take me for instance.

WANDA            No thank you.

TOM               I head a long list of  very famous  cats.

JACK              You do?

TOM               Here look at this.

 

Tom pulls out a long paper scroll.

 

JACK              What’s this?

TOM               A catalogue.

HAZEL            Tom, that’s enough.

TOM               Yes Mistress.

HAZEL            Well Jack, what do you want for the cow?

JACK              I don’t know. How much are cows worth?

TOM               About.......

HAZEL            Shut it Tom!

WANDA            Not so fast Jack. She’s not for sale.

JACK              What?

WANDA            We’ve changed our minds.

JACK              But Wanda we need the money

WANDA            Jack think about it first. We don’t know who they are or what there going                                to do with her. For all we know she could be A Big Mac next week.

 

Daisy overhears this and runs and hides behind Jack and Wanda.

 

WANDA            Sorry the deals off. We’re selling her to someone one who will                                         look after her give her a nice home, aren’t we Jack?

JACK              Umm...Yes if you say so.

WANDA            So Bagpuss you and your mistress can be on your way. Which reminds me                    you’ve got this strange growth growing on your neck.

TOM               I have. Ug! What is it?

WANDA            Your head! Come on Daisy old girl we’re off.

 

Daisy drops her head and looks sad she is very reluctant to move.

 

WANDA            We promise we won’t let any one make beef burgers out of you don’t we                            Jack?

JACK              Yes.

 

Jack, Wanda and Daisy start to leave.

 

HAZEL            One moment I have a proposal for you?

JACK              Sorry old crone I don’t fancy you, any rate I’ve got a girlfriend.

HAZEL            If  I can’t buy your cow may I borrow her.

WANDA            Borrow her! Why?

HAZEL            No harm will come to her I promise and  I will return her within the hour.

WANDA            How do we know we can trust you?

HAZEL            Tom get the magic beans.

 

Tom pulls out a bag from his bag.

 

HAZEL            I’m willing to give you a very special gift in exchange for the cow for one                                     hour.

 

Jack inspects the bag.

 

JACK              Here its got writing on it.

WANDA            What has?

JACK              This bag

WANDA            Well what does it say?

JACK              Nothing, you can’t catch me like that, bags don’t talk.

TOM               I know a few who can.

WANDA            What!

TOM               Stop pussyfooting about Jack and tell her what it says.

JACK              B.E.A.N.S....beans!

 

Jack takes the bag and opens it. He brings out a can of beans.

 

JACK              Its a giant size can of beans.

 

Hazel takes him to one side and whispers loudly in his ear.

 

HAZEL            Jack? Come here, listen very carefully I shall say this only                                                      once. These are magical beans.

JACK              Wow!

HAZEL            This can  will make you a fortune.

JACK              Your kidding me?

HAZEL            Trust me I’m a witch.

 

Hazel walks away from Jack.

 

HAZEL            Well is it a deal?

TOM               Its a deal.                

WANDA            Jack your mum wants money not beans.

JACK              But this way we can have both. Its a deal.

HAZEL            Tom get the cow.

 

Tom gets the rope.

 

JACK              Mum will be pleased.

WANDA            Somehow Jack I don’t think so. Remember we’ll be back within the hour.

                        to pick up Daisy.

 

Exit Jack and Wanda.

 

HAZEL            Quick back to the cave and bring that animal with you.

TOM               Yes your Saucership.

HAZEL           I never want to see this face again.

TOM               You and me both .

 

Exit Tom and Hazel.

 

Enter the King.

 

KING              Do get a move on Jingles we’ve lots to do.

 

Off Stage

JESTER            I look stupid.

KING              You’re suppose to.

JESTER            Do I have to wear this?

KING              Your a court jester aren’t you.

JESTER            Yes, I think so.

KING              Then you’ll wear it.

JESTER            But I look funny.

KING              Well its about time wouldn’t you say

JESTER            But why am I dressed like this Sire, people will see me.

KING              That’s the idea you need the experience,( He looks at Jingles in the                                     wings).....more exposure.

JESTER            More exposure?

KING              More exposure. You can’t improve unless you practice. Now come out and meet your public.

JESTER            More exposure,  Ok if you say so.

 

Enter Jingles he is dressed only in his shorts and a three pointed jester’s hat with bells on.

 

KING              What are you doing?

JESTER            Well you said I needed more exposure.

KING              Not that sort!

 

The king attempts to hide Jingle’s near nakedness and pushes him back off stage.

 

KING              Now get dressed properly.

JESTER            Yes Sire.

KING              You just can’t get the staff these days can you. Mind you he’s better than the last entertainer I took on. Lippo The Ventriloquist, boy was I a dummy. Do you know in his first show he was so bad his lips were moving when he wasn’t saying anything. I thought it was first night nerves so I took him for a drink to calm him down a little. He asked the landlord for a gottle of gear and drank it without moving his lips.....Are you ready yet?

(Off Stage)

JESTER            Nearly.

KING              Mind you his act always did have a happy ending though. Everybody was                                     delighted when it was over.

 

Enter Jingles in full jesters outfit with bells.

 

JESTER            Well what do you think?

KING              Well they’re laughing. All you need now is a couple of my subjects to                         practice on.

 

There is a noise off stage.

 

KING              And if I’m not mistaken here come two right now.

SNOOP            What’s up you don’t look too good.

SNIVEL            It must be that pie I ate at Widow Warts.

SNOOP            Do you want me to call you a doctor?

SNIVEL            Yes.

SNOOP            Your a doctor! Now don’t be such a baby.

SNIVEL            But it hurts when I do this.( He squeezes his stomach)

SNOOP            Well don’t do it then. Come on we’d better get back to Widow Wart’s her                                time is running out.

KING              Halt

SNIVEL            Its the king he’s rumbled us.

KING              Good and loyal subjects may I have a moment of your time.

SNOOP            Somehow I don’t think so. Play along with him.

KING              Would you be so kind as to help your king. 

SNOOP            At your service your Majesty.

KING              This is Jingles my new jester he needs to get experience.

SNIVEL            Why can’t he find his own women?

KING              No you misunderstand this is the alternative to the Royal Command Variety Performance. I bring the entertainment to you. He’s my new entertainment’s manager at the castle.

SNOOP            Is he funny?

KING              Is he funny?...Show them Jingles.

JINGLES            A friend of mine swallowed a dud coin yesterday. He is expecting to be                                charged with passing counterfeit money in the morning.

 

There is silence.

 

JINGLES            Do Arabs dance sheikh to sheikh?

 

The king gives a forced laugh and claps.  

 

JINGLES            Do you know if it wasn’t for venetian blinds it would be curtains for all of                                 us.

 

There is silence. Snivel reluctantly claps out of sympathy.

 

KING              Quick give them on of your little anecdotes.

SNIVEL            Why is he ill?

JINGLES            Don’t worry if life’s a joke and your successes are but few, remember that                         the mighty oak was once a nut like you.

SNOOP            Is that it?

KING              Sadly yes.

SNOOP            Come on Snivel the shows over.

SNIVEL            Can I have my money back then?

KING              Hang on a minute. Jingles?

JINGLES            Yes Sire? How am I doing?

KING              Like a one legged man in a bum kicking contest.

JINGLES            That good ?

KING              The trouble is  he’s always wanted to be a comedian, but he was afraid                            people might laugh at him.

SNOOP            I’m sorry your majesty but Its time we were going.

JESTER            There was a young pirate named Billy who flashed his big sword                                       willy-nilly but he fell on his cutlass which rendered him nut less and                                     practically cut off  his........

KING              Jingles!

SNOOP            Come on Snivel we’ve an appointment with destiny.

SNIVEL            But I thought we had to see Mrs Wart, who’s Destiny?

 

Snoop pushes Snivel Off Stage.

Exit Snoop and Snivel.

 

KING              Well that’s it then.

JESTER            I can’t understand why they didn’t laugh.

KING              That’s because your not very funny.

 

Jingles scratches his head.

 

KING              And don’t scratch your head you’ll get splinters.

JESTER            I need to strengthen my delivery that’s what’s wrong.

KING              Strengthening your brains would have been a better bet. Strengthen your                                     delivery? Why yes your right and I’ve the very thing that’ll do it.

 

The king exits and comes back with a tray of pies. He puts the strap over Jingles head. A sign attached to the tray reads "Simple Simon The Pie Man by Royal Appointment".

 

 

 

 

 

JESTER            But your majesty I’m a comedian not a pie man.

KING              Stop complaining come on lets get you back to the castle and load you up                              with supplies there’s a lot of hungry customers out there.

 

Exit King  and Jester.

 

End Of Act 1 Sc 4

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Act 1

 Sc 5                             

   Widow Wart’s Cottage

 

As for opening scene Act 1 Sc 3. The stove has been repaired and the room is back in order.

Widow Wart is bending over the stove. There is a knock on the door and Jack and Wanda enter through the front door. Widow Wart jumps up in panic.

 

JACK              Hi mum.

WART            O its you two I thought it was  Dumb and Dumber coming for their                                    money. You’ve sold Daisy then?      

WANDA            Sort off!

WART            What did you get?

 

Jack reluctantly holds out the can of beans.

 

JACK              Um...this mum.

WART            What’s that?

JACK              Beans.

WART            What? Tell me he’s joking. Wanda tell me this isn’t true.

WANDA            Are one legged girls a push over Mrs Wart ?

WART            I don’t believe it! What have you been up to?

JACK              Don’t worry mum I’m no body’s fool.

WANDA            Well maybe you can get someone to adopt you then.

WART            Oh Jack what have you done?

JACK              Its alright mum its only a swoop.

WART            We’re about to lose everything and you swoop Daisy for a tin of                                             beans. Whose half baked idea was that?

WANDA            I tried to stop him but  his mind was made up.

WART            What mind? Its so small you’d ruin your eyesight trying to read it.                                                 Here give me that tin.

 

Widow Wart grabs the can.

 

JACK              But mum!

WART            I gave you the best years of my life and this is how you treat your poor                             widowed mother by giving here a tin of beans.

 

She holds up the can and then places it on top of the oven.

 

JACK              But mum Witch Hazel said they were magic.

WART            Nonsense! Have you lost your mind?

WANDA            Well it dose tend to wander a lot Mrs Wart.

 

He picks up the can.

 

JACK              These are worth a fortune.

 

Widow wart grabs the can and replaces it on the oven.

 

WART            There not worth a bean. Tell me Jack how can we pay the rent with a can                                 of beans?

JACK              Well I thought if........ 

WART            You can’t your brain dead.                                                               

JACK              The witch has only borrowed her mum.

WANDA            Yes Mrs Wart we get Daisy back in an hour.

 

WART            We haven’t got an hour the Bruiser Brothers are due any second and if                            we don’t have the money....

 

There is a knock on the door.

 

WART            There here! Now what do we do?

JACK              ...Um

ALL                Hide!   

 

They all rush around the room and hide. Widow Wart hides in one cupboard. Jack and Wanda in the ironing board cupboard. The bean can on the stove starts to  heat up and smoke. More knocking. Snoop and Snivel are off stage behind the door

 

SNOOP            We know your in there Mrs Wart open the door.

                        So you want to play hard to get do you? Snivel?

SNIVEL            Yes boss?

SNOOP            Get the door.

SNIVEL            What do we want with a door ?

SNOOP            No you brainless moron bash the door down.

 

There are several  bangs on the door and finally it  flies open. Snivel has an axe in his hand and puts his head round the open doorframe. He has a maniac’s grin on his face.

 

SNIVEL            Honey, I’m home!

 

Snivel drops the axe back stage as Snoop joins him at the door. They both enter at the same time and get stuck in the doorframe. They struggle to get through. Finally they fall into the room.

 

SNIVEL            There’s no one here?

SNOOP            Search the room. They must be here somewhere.

 

 

 

They hear a noise coming from the cupboard where Jack and Wanda are hiding. SNOOP Over there in that cupboard. Snivel opens the cupboard. The ironing board swings down and hits him on the head.

 

SNIVEL            Ouch!

 

Snoop opens the door. Again there is no one there.

 

Jack and Wanda suddenly appear at a window. Snoop spins round but Jack and Wanda There is no one there. There is a noise from the cupboard that Widow Wart is hiding in.  pop down without being seen.

 

SNOOP            Did you see that?

SNIVEL            No.

 

Snivel should encourage the audience to join in asking them if they’d seen anything.

 

SNOOP            Um...Well keep searching there here somewhere.

 

Snivel continues his search. He approaches the window and looks in it. He turns to face the audience leaving his back to the window. Widow Wart pops up and puts one of her pies in Snivel’s face.

 

SNIVEL            Ouch!

 

He spins round but  Widow Wart has popped down without being seen.

 

SNIVEL            Snoop did you see that?

SNOOP            See what?

SNIVEL            Someone threw this pie at me.

SNOOP            Well don’t look at me like that it wasn’t me.

SNIVEL            But there’s only you in the room.

SNOOP            Don’t be stupid why would I do that? Now keep on looking.

 

Snivel looks through the window again and sees nothing. He turns to face the audience scratching his head. Widow Wart pops up again and puts  another pie in his face. Meanwhile the can of beans on the stove is smoking and vibrating.

 

SNIVEL            That’s it mate you’ve had it.

 

He crosses over to Snoop.

 

SNOOP            What’s up you  look a little bit pasty.

SNIVEL            See how you like it.

 

 

Snivel wipes the pie from his face and is going to  put some in Snoop’s face when

they hear a sneeze.

 

WART            Aaa……tishoo!

JACK              Bless you!

WART            Why thank you Jack.

SNOOP            Just a minute. Hold it, hold it.

SNIVEL            But you insulted me.

SNOOP            I’ve a feeling we’re not alone.

 

Snoop and snivel move towards the window and look down.

 

SNOOP            Cough!!!!

 

Widow Wart , Jack and Wanda slowly pop up from their hiding place.

 

WART            Oo! Heck! Boys it was a joke.

SNIVEL            A joke?

WART            Yes a harmless rouse.

SNOOP            Then laugh at this. Snivel grab them.

 

This is the start of the chase scene. While the chase scene is on the can of beans on the stove continues to stir and smoke. The chase continues until Widow Wart successfully traps Snivel in the ironing board cupboard and Jack and Wanda have trapped Snoop in the other cupboard. They stand with their backs to the cupboard doors.

 

SNIVEL            Let me out!

SNOOP            Open this door !

 

The can of beans on the stove starts to glow and with spectacular sparkling FX effects the tin bursts open.

 

Enter Chorus  from behind the stove and other areas of the stage.

They are dressed as giant bean pods and other  parts of a beanstalk.

 

    THEY DANCE AND SING TO MUSIC.

                                           *HIGH HOPES

 

Meanwhile a single bean stem has grown from behind the stove upwards.

At the end of the sequence the beans and stalks have joined together to form a giant beanstalk running along the floor and joining with the one that’s grown upwards.

 

JACK              Told you mum.

WART            Cor look at the size of that.

 

* Any song can be used. The song inserted is only a suggestion.

 

 

WANDA            Its the biggest thing I’ve ever seen.

JACK              Is it?

WANDA            The beanstalk!

JACK              See the witch was right.

 

Snivel and Snoop push at the doors. Widow Wart and Jack restrain them.

 

WART            But how are we going to escape these two?

WANDA            Up there!

 

She points upwards on the beanstalk.

 

WART            What up there? No way. I can’t climb up there

WANDA            Its your only chance. I’ll stay down here and try to delay them.

WART            But Jack up there ...I can’t.

WANDA         I’ll count to three. After three you run to the beanstalk and climb up it while I turn the lights out and make my escape.

WANDA         One, two, three!

 

Wanda runs to the door. Jack and Widow Wart run to the beanstalk. Snivel and Snoop throw open the doors. Blackout.

Exit Chorus, Wart, Jack and Wanda.

 

In the darkness

SNIVEL            I can’t see someone’s turned the lights out.

SNOOP            Well find the light switch then.

 

We hear them stumble about in the dark. Things go crash and we hear them bump into each other.

 

SNIVEL            Ouch!

SNOOP            Watch it you clumsy oath.

SNIVEL            I’m scared I don’t like the dark.

SNOOP            Its a good job you weren’t born in the Dark Ages then isn’t it.

SNIVEL            Just a minute there’s someone standing next to me. I can hear it                                              breathing.

SNOOP            It must be that Jack. Grab hold of  him don’t let him go.

SNIVEL            Got him.

 

There is a terrible roar and a scuffle in the darkness as Snivel holds on .

 

SNOOP            Hang on to him while I find the lights.

 

The scuffles and roars continue.

 

 

SNIVEL            Hurry up Snoop I’m losing my grip.

 

When the lights are turned on a bear is hugging Snivel.

The bear squeezes tighter. Snivel has the breath squeezed out of him.

 

SNIVEL            ( Struggling to breath) My my Jack what strong arms you have

                        and what big sharp teeth.

 

The bear roars.

 

SNOOP            Snivel?

SNIVEL            Yes boss?

SNOOP            I’m afraid that’s not Jack.

SNIVEL            It isn’t?

SNOOP            Um.. No.

SNIVEL            Well it must be Mrs. Wart then?

SNOOP            Sorry wrong again.

SNIVEL            Well if its not Jack or Mrs Wart and its far to hairy to be Wanda then who                                  is it?    

SNOOP            Take a wild guess.

 

He feels the bear all over.

 

SNIVEL            A bear? Oh no Snoop its a bear?

SNOOP            So put it down carefully and we’ll quietly sneak out.

SNIVEL            But its got to put me down Snoop. As you can see its rather fond of me.

SNOOP            Then may I suggest you kick it somewhere where it hurts and when it                               drops you run like hell.

SNIVEL            Ok boss here goes.

 

Snivel kicks the bear. The bear drops Snivel. The bear chases Snoop and Snivel out of the room.

Exit Snivel, Snoop and Bear.

Enter Wanda. She goes across to the Beanstalk and looks up.

 

WANDA            Look at them climb. I wonder what awaits them at the top.

                        Well we’ll just have to wait and see. What goes up must eventually come                            down. In the meantime I’ll go and talk to daddy. Its not like him to                                       send the likes of  Snoop and Snivel to collect the rent. I rather think there                             not who they say they are.

Exit Wanda.

 

End Of Act 1 Sc 5 

 

 

Act 2

Sc1

                                            The Giant’s Kitchen

 

The backdrop is a stone room. A prison type archway with bars is back centre. The bars form the prison door which can be opened. There is a large giant sized oven with two doors that can be opened and closed. Under the oven is the top of the beanstalk. There is a large table. On the table are larger than life cups and saucers, knives and forks etc. Large pieces of uneaten food lay on the table. In a bowl are giant sized golden eggs. A large chair is besides the table.

The chorus dressed as giant mice scurry on and off and all about the scene. They nibble at the food noisily squeaking and arguing over the uneaten morsels.

One of the oven doors opens. Jack’s head pops out.

 

JACK              Who’s there?

 

The mice scatter and hide.               

The other oven door opens.

 

WART            Who’s that?

 

Jack turns around.

 

JACK              Its only me mum.

WART            Thank goodness.

 

The mice venture out and approach the oven door to investigate.

 

JACK              Where are we mum?

WART            Well I don’t actually know son but it sure ant` Kansas. Just look at the size             of this.

 

She looks at the oven. Jack pops back inside the oven. If possible his voice should echo.

 

JACK              Cor mum its a whopper!

WART            So I’ve heard.

 

Jack pops his head back out of the oven.

 

JACK              Everything’s so big.

WART            I’ve got it!

JACK              Well you didn’t get it from me.

WART            No Jack I know where we are.

JACK              You do?

JACK              We’re at the top of a giant beanstalk.

 

 

WART            And this is where the giant lives. Take my word for it son everything here                                     will be big very big indeed.

 

Jack looks down at himself.

 

JACK              Um...things are looking up then.

 

The mice are seen by Widow Wart and she reacts to them.

 

WART            Shrieeeeek! There’s a mouse.

 

She slams shut the oven door.

 

JACK              Why do woman always scream at the sight of  helpless, harmless little                            mice. Why? What harm can a little mouse do to you I ask? So where is it                                 then?

 

The door opens a little and Widow Wart’s arm comes out and points. She quickly pops it back and closes the oven door.

 

JACK              Where, over there?

 

Jack now sees the mice and reacts with horror.           

                                   

JACK              Shrieeeeek! A giant mouse? Help!

 

He quickly pops back into the oven and closes the door.

Enter Chorus dressed as mice.

 

        SING AND DANCE TO MUSIC

   *A WINDMILL IN OLD AMSTERDAM.

 

*During the chorus of the song Jack and Widow Wart take it in turn to pop out from there hiding place to sing the lines " Where?" There On The Floor".

At the end of the song the mice scatter when they hear the Giant’s voice.            Echoing if possible.

 

(Off Stage)

GIANT            Fe Fi Fo Fum.

 

Widow Wart opens her door.

 

WART            Did you hear that?

 

* Any song can be used. The song inserted is only a suggestion.

 

Jack opens his door.

 

JACK              Hear what?

GIANT            Fe Fi Fo Fum I smell the blood of  an Englishman.

JACK              I heard that. Come on mum lets leave. We can creep back down the                         beanstalk before someone sees us.

WART            Not yet.

JACK              But mum?

WART            There are times Jack when I wish you were an headache.

JACK              Why ?

WART            Then I could take an aspirin and you’d go away.

 

The sound of keys.

 

WART            Listen someone’s coming.

JACK              Who on earth can that be?

WART            Quick hide.

 

They both pop back into the oven and close the doors.             

Enter Jangles the Giant’s jailer singing.

 

JANGLES            "I was born under a wandering star. A wandering wandering star."

 

He stops singing and sniffs the air. 

 

JANGLES            There be something strange in here today. I can smell it in the air. I’ve a                                  good sense of smell I have. Big noses run in my family.

 

He lifts his foot up and looks under it. He sniffs again.

 

JANGLES            Old Jangles the Jailer knows something’s a foot. There be strangers                                   about I can smell them.

 

There is a howl from back stage and the prison bars are rattled. Jangles goes across to the prison bars.

 

JANGLES            Steady Zoltan.

 

There is another howl and the bars are rattled again.

 

JANGLES            Yes I know its time for your breakfast.

 

Jangles takes a large piece of meat from the table and puts it through the bars. The meat is snatched away and we hear the sound of eating.

 

 

(Off Stage)

GIANT            Fe Fi Fo Fum I want food in my tum!

JANGLES      ( Shouting to the wings) Nearly ready your Hugeness. Now what shall I give him? There’s my Tandoori chicken  " Shi Tot" no that’s too spicy. What about Italian ? Now he likes my Yo Yo special. A Piece of spaghetti wrapped around a meatball. He’s always played with his food. No I think I’ll give him chicken. I’ve plucked it, stuffed it, all I have to do now is kill and cook it.

 

Exit Jangles.

From out of the back of the oven come Jack and Widow Wart.

 

WART            Look Jack on the table can you see those eggs?

 

He goes across to the table and picks up an egg.

 

JACK              Why there.....solid gold.

WART            Fill your pockets and lets get the hell out of here.

 

Jack tries to fill up his pockets but can’t.

 

WART            Hurry up he’ll be back soon. What is your problem?

JACK              I haven’t any pockets mum. Remember you sewed them up. You said I                                was always........

WART            Yes, yes... just bring the bowl instead.

 

Jack empties the eggs on the table and picks up the empty bowl. He joins Widow Wart who is now standing at the prison bars.

 

JACK              Got it mum. Now what?

WART            We’re out of here.

 

There is a piercing howl from inside the prison.

 

JACK              What’s that ?

WART            How should I know.

JACK              It sounded like a hyena

WART            Don’t make me laugh.

 

More howling.

 

JACK              That’s not a hyena.

WART            Well what ever it is, it isn’t human. Its putting the willies up me.

JACK              Me too.

 

 

WART            Listen its stopped.

JACK              Your right.... cor that’s a relief.

WART            Oh Jack how embarrassing couldn’t you have waited.

JACK              Mum!!

 

Widow  Wart looks into the bowl.

 

WART            Where’s the eggs?

JACK              Over there on the table you said you wanted the bowl.

 

She clips him across the ear.

 

WART            Stupid boy. Go and get the eggs.

JACK              Yes mum.

 

Jack goes across to the table and starts to load up the bowl with golden eggs. Two large clawed hand appears through the bars. They hover either side of Widow Wart’s neck.

 

AUD                Look out...etc.

WART            What? Where? What did you say.. Etc.

           

Jack is distracted and turns around to see the clawed hands.

 

JACK              Mum, mum there’s a giant ugly hand with large sharp pointed claws.

 

The hands now grasp Widow Wart’s neck.

 

WART            Help! help! Jack get it off!

 

Jack picks up a piece of meat from the table and hurls it through the bars.

The hands disappear and there is the sound of eating and crunching of bone.

Widow Wart is released.

 

(Off Stage)

GIANT            Fe Fi Fo Fum.          

WART            The giants coming.

JACK              That should be an experience.

WART            Quick hide.

JACK              Where?

WART            Back in the oven.

 

They climb back into the oven and close the doors.

 

 

 

Enter the Giant.

 

GIANT            Jangles! Where are you, you good for nothing jailer?

 

Enter Jangles

 

JANGLES            Here your Giantness?

 

SONG  SUNG BY GIANT AND JANGLES

                                    *A WORLD WITHOUT LOVE

 

The giant sits down at the table.

 

GIANT            Food and drink! I’m hungry. I’m so hungry I could eat an horse.

JANGLES            Shergar’s gone  your Enormousness you’ve eaten  it all.

 

He throws a bit of stale bread at Jangles.

 

GIANT            Then get me something else you maggot or you’ll be next on the menu.

JANGLES            Yes your Colossalness.

 

Exit Jangles.

The giant sniffs the air.

 

GIANT            What is that smell?

 

There is a clucking off stage. A giant sized goose waddles on  with a golden egg in its beak. It waddles across to the Giant.

 

GIANT            Good girl. Let me have a gander.

 

The goose drops the egg into the Giant’s hand.

 

GIANT            Solid gold.

 

He puts the egg in the bowl with  the others. The giant sniffs the air again.

 

GIANT            There’s something not quite right. I can smell it in the air.

 

Enter Jangles who overhears the Giant. Jangles smells under his arm pits and under his shoe.

 

JANGLES            Its not me your Bulkyness I smelt something strange in here earlier but I                               couldn’t put a finger on it.

 

* Any song can be used. The song inserted is only a suggestion.

 

Jangles scrapes the sole of his shoe with his finger. Meanwhile the goose has wandered off towards the oven. It taps on the oven door. Jack opens the door looks about and quickly closes it again. The goose reacts trying to show Jangles and the Giant that there is someone in the oven.

 

GIANT            Jangles what’s up with her?

JANGLES            She’s attracted to the smell your Whoppingness.

 

The goose taps on the other oven door. Widow Wart  opens the door looks about and quickly closes it again. The goose again reacts running s across to the Giant and Jangles to attract their attention.

 

GIANT            Jangles will you control this beast or else I’ll have it for my tea.

JANGLES            It could be Foul Pest your Titanicness.

GIANT            Well it’s certainly being a pest.

                        Jangles get that animal out of here before I wring its neck.

JANGLES            Yes your Angryness. Your food and wine your Obeseness.

 

Jangles places the food off the tray in front of the Giant. He shoos the goose away with the tray. There are several large chicken legs to eat. The Giant gobbles up the chicken and hurls the bones over his shoulder. Jangles catches them on a tray. The giant eats another and throws that one over his shoulder. This time Jangles misses it.

 

GIANT            Your slipping Jangles.

JANGLES            Sorry your Enormous one.

 

 The Giant pours himself some wine.     

 

GIANT            Jangles there’s a beetle in my wine.

JANGLES            Yes your Heftyness you asked for something with body in it.

GIANT            Well done Jangles.

 

The Giant eats the beetle and drinks the wine. He stuffs the rest of the food into his mouth.

 

GIANT            More! I want more! I fancy something French.

JANGLES            Don’t we all your Rotundness.

GIANT            Do you have frogs legs.

JANGLES            No I always walk like this.

GIANT            Soup I want soup!

JANGLES            Soup, yes your Mammothness. Coming up.

GIANT            And this time keep the flies out of it. I want to dine alone.

 

 

 

 

Jangles goes over to the oven. He opens a door and looks in and takes out a pot of soup. Jangles returns to the table and pours out the soup into a bowl. The Giant tastes it. He has a large spider hanging from his lip.

 

GIANT            Jangles I’ve only got one piece of meat.

JANGLES            All right I’ll cut it into two.

 

He produces a large pair of scissors and attempts to cut the spider in two.

 

GIANT            I’m still hungry. Pie I want pie!

 

Jangles goes over to the oven he is about to open the door when he is distracted by the giant.

 

GIANT            Make it bean pie.

JANGLES            Bean pie your Broadness?

GIANT            Yes human being pie.

JANGLES            Sorry you ate the last peasant yesterday.

GIANT            Drat. Any flavour then.

 

Widow  Wart opens the oven door and hands Jangles a pie. She quickly closes the door. Only the goose sees Widow Wart. The goose tries to attract attention to the fact but is ignored.

 

GIANT            Mad. Absolutely. If it weren’t for the eggs I’d have had it for my tea                                ages ago.

 

The goose calms down and Jangles hands the Giant the pie. The Giant sniffs the pie.

 

GIANT            And what’s in this?

JANGLES            Donkey your Chunkyness.

GIANT            Um

JANGLES            That’s brain food. It’ll improve your intelligence.

GIANT            It will?

JANGLES            Eat that and you’ll become a real smart ass.

 

The Giant takes a bite and spits it out.

 

GIANT            Its cold. What’s wrong with the oven?

JANGLES            Don’t know.

GIANT            Then sort it out.

 

Jangles goes over to the oven while the Giant stands and sniffs the air.

 

 

 

GIANT            Fe Fi Fo Fum something smells in my oven.

 

The Giant and Jangles  examine the oven. As they go to the back of it  Jack and Widow Wart open the oven doors. They look at each other smile and do a thumbs up sign to each other as they close the doors.

The Giant and Jack continue to fiddle with the oven. Water squirts/ and other/etc on them as they try to fix the stove.

 

JANGLES            There you are your Ampleness that should do the trick.

 

The Giant sits down. Suddenly there is a howl and the bars are shook. The goose takes fright and runs off.

Exit Goose.

 

GIANT            Zoltan sounds a little distressed. You have been feeding him?

JANGLES            Yes your Strappingness.

 

The oven now starts to smoke. Jack and Widow Wart take turns to pop open the doors of the oven, take a deep breath of air and close the door. The oven continues to smoke.

 

GIANT            You have taken him for his walkies?

JANGLES            Yes.

 

The Giant turns to the Aud for their opinion.

 

GIANT            As he?

AUD                Oh no he hasn’t.

JANGLES            Oh yes I have.

 

The creature continues to make his presence felt by howling and shaking the bars of his cage. Again Jack and Widow wart open the doors for air.

 

GIANT            Well he doesn’t usually get that angry. Listen to him.

 

The creature howls and shakes the bars.

 

GIANT            Well he’s upset about something. You have locked him in ?

JANGLES            He’s well secured. Locked him in my self earlier. No way can he escape.

GIANT            Well I hope not because the way he’s acting even I wouldn’t want to stand                in his way.

 

The oven continues to smoke. Jangles goes over to the bars.

 

JANGLES            Safe and secure. Look I’ll prove it. Come over here and shake hands with                                it.

 

GIANT            Me?

JANGLES            Yes. Go on shake hands with him.

 

The Giant comes forward but is very reluctant to go near the bars. As he approaches the cage Zoltan howls and shakes the bars.

 

JANGLES            Go on shake hands. Like this.....

 

The creatures hand comes through the bars. As Jangles touches the creature’s hand the bars are pushed forward and Zoltan bursts out of the cage. There now develops a chase scene involving the Giant, Jangles , the Goose and Zoltan. After the chase the stage is empty. The oven has been smoking throughout the chase.

Widow wart opens her door.

 

WART            Right Jack...

 

Jack opens his door.

 

WART            Sneak up to the table and grab those eggs.

JACK              But what if.......

WART            Go on quickly while there all gone.

 

Jack scrambles out of the oven and goes across to the table. Widow Wart also falls out of the oven and joins him. Their clothes are smoking.

 

WART            Oh Jack I thought my end had come.

JACK              Mine too.

WART            I’ve singed bits I never thought I had.

JACK              Me too.

WART            Have you got the eggs?

JACK              Yes mum.

WART            Then lets quickly get out of here.

 

Suddenly the chase resumes and the Giant and Jangles return being chased by Zoltan.

 

WART            Quick Jack run.

JACK              Where?

 

They look at each other in panic.

 

BOTH             The oven!

 

Jack and Widow Wart hide back in the  oven. The chase ends when Jangles gets Zoltan back into his cage. Suddenly the Giant sniffs the air.

 

GIANT            Fe Fi Fo Fum I smell the blood of an English mum.

 

The Giant starts to sniff the air and walks towards the oven Jingles follows behind him keeping in step and mimicking his every move.

 

GIANT            Fe Fi Fo Fum I smell the blood of an idiot son.

 

They approach the oven which is still smoking and stand over it. Jack and Widow Wart pop out.

 

WART            We’ve got your gold and had our fun.

JACK              Back down the beanstalk were both gone.

 

They close the doors.

 

GIANT            Fe Fi Fo Fum human beings for my tum.

 

Both Jangles and the Giant open the doors to grab Jack and Widow Wart as they do the oven explodes. The oven collapses. Both Jangles and the Giant are blown to the floor.

 

GIANT            Fe Fi Fo Fum I have fallen on my bum.    

 

Zoltan now burst out of his cage and stands ready to attack the giant and Jangles.

 

GIANT/

JANGLES            Oh no!

 

They try to scramble to their feet as Zoltan comes over to them. Zoltan stands over them. He touches Jangles with his clawed hand.

 

ZOLTAN            YOUR IT!

 

Zoltan runs off as the curtain closes on the Giant and Jangles still sitting on the floor.

           

End Of Act2 Sc1

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Act 2

Sc2

                                                Inside Hazel’s Cave

 

Dark and glowing red and green. Smoke drifting about. The cauldron is steaming. Hazel and Tom are staring into the cauldron. There is a table covered with books and witch’s paraphernalia. Daisy is tethered to the leg of the table.

 

Enter chorus dressed as assorted insects and bugs etc.

 

THEY SING AND DANCE TO MUSIC.

       * THE UGLY BUG BALL

 

They scatter when Hazel enters.

 

HAZEL           Tom you get the cow ready  while I  prepare the cauldron.

 

Hazel  comes and goes as she adds things to the cauldron. Tom goes across to Daisy. Exit Hazel.

 

TOM               Charming! (In cowboy style) Stand still ye critter.

 

Tom leans up against the back of Daisy. Daisy doesn’t like Tom leaning on her. Tom starts to play with Daisy’s tail. He pretends its a gun and starts pretend shooting with it.                    

TOM               Die ye coward. Chew the cud ye vermin. Ye don’t grass on me and get away with it. Go for your gun you animal. No the udder one. This paddocks not big enough for the two of us.

 

Daisy steps forward and Tom falls to the floor.

 

TOM               Silly cow.

 

Tom picks himself up.

Hazel enters.

 

HAZEL            That’s it now we can begin.

TOM               At last I was running out of cow jokes.

HAZEL            Go on then Tom get the milk.

 

Daisy sensing the assault shows she is going to resist.

 

TOM               What! Me. How?

HAZEL            With these.

 

* Any song can be used. The song inserted is only a suggestion.

Hazel produces a bucket and a milking stool.

 

TOM               But Hazel....

HAZEL           Get on with it the king should be along soon for his morning stroll. I want to astound him with my new found beauty.

 

Tom picks up the stool and the bucket. He sits on the stool facing the rear of the cow and lifts up Daisy’s tail.

 

TOM               I always get the bum jobs.

 

Daisy kicks the stool and knocks Tom over. He picks himself up and repositions himself at the side of  Daisy udders sitting with the cow in front of him. His head appears over Daisy’s back half.

 

HAZEL            The udders grab the udders.

TOM               Where? I though there was only us here.

HAZEL            Those bits under the cow.

 

Hazel points. After some coaxing Tom grabs hold of them.

 

TOM               Oh these.

 

Daisy becomes restless and starts to react.

 

TOM               Now now nice cow... Good girl.

 

Daisy settles down.

 

TOM               Uddersfield.

 

Daisy moos and kicks Tom off the stool. He re-seats himself and grabs hold of Daisy’s udders again.

 

TOM               Hazel what do I do now?

HAZEL            Pull um! Pull um.

TOM               Pull what?

HAZEL            What you’ve got hold of.  Pull um!

 

Tom pulls as he does liquid squirts out and onto his face. Hazel rushes forward picks up the bucket.

 

HAZEL            Quick put some in here.

 

 

 

Tom places the bucket under the udders. Daisy kicks it away. This is repeated as Tom tries to keep the bucket under Daisy and pull the teats at the same time.

 

TOM               I’m beginning to feel a little pail.

HAZEL            Well don’t kick the bucket just yet we need the milk.

 

Tom manages to place the bucket and pull the udders at the same time. Some milk goes in to the bucket. In one last effort to sabotage the operation Daisy lets fly with a kick. Tom picks up the bucket just in time.

 

TOM               Got some.

 

Daisy now free of restraint runs off.

 

HAZEL            Give that to me.

 

Hazel pours it into the cauldron. The cauldron bubbles. Hazel and Tom stare into the cauldron.

 

TOM               Isn’t this exciting.

 

Hazel gets a goblet and dips it into the cauldron. She collects some of the mixture and holds it up. Steam is pouring from the goblet. She is about to drink when there is knock at the door.

 

TOM               Someone’s at the door.

HAZEL            Curses don’t you just hate it when that happens. Tom see who that is.

                        I’m going to change into something more comfortable.

 

She laughs as she goes behind the cauldron. She takes a drink  and sinks behind the cauldron.

 

HAZEL            I’m melting . I’m melting.

 

There is a knock on the door again.

 

TOM               Ok I’m coming keep your shirt on.

 

Tom goes to the door. The King and Jingles stand at the entrance. Jingles has a tray of pasties and pies.

 

KING              Good morning my feline subject. I am your King. Is the mistress of                                 the house in.

TOM               (Shouting) Hazel its lover boy are you ready for him yet?

(Off Stage)

HAZEL            No! Keep him entertained while I change.

TOM               Sorry your Lordship she’s changing.(Aside) What into only time will tell .

KING              But I am the King I’m not accustomed to be kept waiting.

TOM               Get use to it pal. You don’t rub Witch Hazel up the wrong way.

KING              Very well may we come in and wait I’ve a gastronomic offer you can’t                         refuse.

 

The king and Jingles enter.

 

KING              This is Simple Simon my new pie man.

JESTER            I use to be a jester but I couldn’t make people laugh.

TOM               What a catastrophe!

JESTER            The names Jingles.

 

He shakes Tom’s paw.

 

TOM               Tom the cat. Hazel’s familiar.

JESTER            So they say.

KING              Well get on with it Jingles give him your sales pitch.

JESTER            " Nice to see you to see you nice?" That’s my catch phrase. Do you like                               It?

TOM               Well its sort of got a familiar ring to it.

JESTER            There’s more!

TOM               We paws for thought then. Pray continue.

JESTER            " Nice to see you to see you nice, buy my pies two pence the price "

TOM               Catchy.

 

There is a scream off stage . Steam drifts up from behind the cauldron. Tom crosses to the cauldron.

 

TOM               Are you ready yet?

 

We get a glimpse of hazel she has the face of a frog.

 

HAZEL            Nearly, a slight miscalculation of the amount of toe of  frog . I’ll have to                                make adjustments.

TOM               He’ll be green with envy.

 

She goes back down behind the cauldron.

 

KING              Well is she ready yet?

TOM               A slight problem with her dress your Majesty. Green doesn’t suit her.

JESTER            Would you like to buy something while we are waiting then.

KING              Well done Jingles now your getting the idea.

 

Jingles turns to Tom.

 

 

 

JESTER            What would you like sir?

TOM               Give us a soup and one of them pies.

 

Jingles hands Tom a cup of soup and a pie. Tom sips the soup and spits it out.

 

TOM               What’s this stuff?

JINGLES            Its bean soup.

TOM               I don’t want to know what its bean what is it now?

 

Tom bites into the pie. He spits it out.

 

JINGLES            That’s my favourite. Hungarian  Pie.

 

Tom picks out a long elasticised string of meat from the pie.

                       

TOM               And this?

JINGLES            Ah! That’s the Hungarians.

 

There is a scream off stage . Steam drifts up from behind the cauldron.

 

TOM               Excuse me a moment its the call of the wild.

 

Tom crosses to the cauldron. We get a glimpse of hazel she has the face of a dog.

 

TOM               Don’t tell me too much tongue of dog.

HAZEL            I’ll have to make more adjustments.

TOM               Are you sure your not barking up the wrong tree with all this?

HAZEL            Very funny just keep him here while I get this right.

TOM               Ok no need to be dogmatic its getting a  little ruff out there for me too you                         know.  

 

Hazel goes back down behind the cauldron. Tom goes back to Jingles.

 

JINGLES            Do you want mustard on your pie sir?

TOM               Yes but step on it.

 

Jingles takes the pie from Tom’s paw, puts mustard on the pie and throws the pie to the floor and stands on it.

 

JINGLES            There you are sir.

 

Jingles turns to the King.

 

JINGLES            Another satisfied customer.

KING              I don’t believe this.

TOM               But its all mashed up.

JINGLES            Well you did ask me to step on it.

KING              Offer him another one.

JINGLES            Another sir?

TOM               Yes If I must.

JINGLES            Could I offer you the cook’s surprise instead?

TOM               Yes if you like.

JINGLES            Boo! Just kidding. I use to be a comedian you know.

 

He hands Tom a pie and Tom bites into it. He pulls a face.

 

TOM               This is terrible where’s the cook?

JINGLES            He won’t eat it either.

TOM               And isn’t that a cockroach in it?

JINGLES            Now that’s strange its usually a beetle.

TOM               And there’s a squashed fly on the crust.

JINGLES            O dear It must have committed insecticide.

 

There is cackle and a laugh and Hazel emerges from behind the cauldron. She is wearing a cloak and a hood which covers her face.

 

KING              At last.

TOM               This is my mistress Witch Hazel.

 

Hazel lowers the hood of her cloak she no longer has a witch’s face. She looks beautiful.

 

HAZEL            Sorry I wasn’t here to greet you personally but I’ve just come from                             the beauty parlour.

 

Hazel offers her hand for the king to kiss it.

 

KING              Well my dear they’ve worked a miracle you look stunning.

 

Hazel’s hand is green and webbed. She quickly hides it under her cloak. The king leans forward and kisses fresh air

 

HAZEL            Ups!.. Thank you your majesty you’ll have to excuse my clumsiness

                        But I’m not myself tonight.

TOM               So I’ve noticed.

HAZEL            Tom, offer the king a night-cap.

 

Tom hands the king a night-cap.

 

 

 

HAZEL            No not that kind silly, a drink, give the king a drink.

 

Hazel goes to her table and picks up a bottle labelled " Love Potion No- 9" She pours out the liquid into a goblet. The liquid steams.

 

HAZEL            Here Tom take this to the king.

 

Tom gets the drink and takes it to the king.

 

TOM               Bottoms up!

KING              Um yes how quaint bottoms up!

 

The king drinks the liquid as he shows his bottom.

 

TOM               Silly ass.

JESTER            Not a lot of people know this but I once drank eight cokes at one go.

TOM               You did?

JESTER            Yes and burped 7-Up.

 

The king now becomes infected by the love potion and suddenly becomes besotted with Hazel. He stares lovingly at her. Tom takes the glass off him and waves his paw in front of the Kings glazed eyes. Tom sniffs the goblet.

 

TOM               Now that’s cheating.

HAZEL            All’s fair in love and war!

 

The king now approaches Hazel. He goes down on one knee.

 

KING              Hazel I love you.

HAZEL            Why your Majesty this is so unexpected .

KING              Your a treasure.

TOM               Your right there mate she certainly looks as if someone’s dug her up.

KING              I can’t help it  this is love at first sight.

JESTER            Sire I beg of you please take a second look.

KING              Say you’ll be mine.

JESTER            But Sire?

KING              Hazel I would be honoured if you would join me........

TOM               Why, are you coming apart?

KING              ...at a party tonight at the castle.

HAZEL            Oh your Majesty I would be honoured.        

KING              Come Jingles we have a  feast to prepare.

HAZEL            See you later my sweet.

KING              Farewell my lovely until tonight.

 

They embrace.

 

Exit King and Jingles.

Hazel drops the cloak to reveal she has the body of a frog.

 

HAZEL            Not a word !

TOM               I toad you it wouldn’t work.

HAZEL            I can’t let the king see me like this.

TOM               I hope you and his Majesty live hoppily ever after.

HAZEL            Quickly Tom back to the cauldron we need to make more changes.

TOM               What? But I’m tired I haven’t had my catnap today.

HAZEL            Hop to it!

TOM               At once your frogness.

 

Tom picks up the spell book as Hazel starts to drop objects into the cauldron and stirs them around. Tom looks into the bubbling pot.

 

TOM               Hang on what’s this?

HAZEL            What have you found?

 

Tom looks into the pot again and fingers something floating on the top.

 

TOM               Hazel?

HAZEL            What now?

TOM               What’s all white on the outside and green on the inside.

 

At that moment the object flies out of the pot.

 

TOM               And hops?

HAZEL            What?

TOM               Its ok its only a frog sandwich.

HAZEL            Look Tom cut out the wise cracks, this is serious.

TOM               Sorry Hazel I had a frog in my throat.

HAZEL            That’s it! Get out I’ll do this by myself.

TOM               Hazel listen the cauldrons bubbling. Its trying to tell us something.

 

They both listen to the pot. It bubbles and makes popping noises.

 

HAZEL            Well I can’t hear anything.

TOM               I can.. Listen...its making a der dit..dit..dit... noise.

HAZEL            Yes your right...der dot  dot dot .

TOM               Der dit dit dit...der dot dot dot! What’s does it mean?

HAZEL            I’ve got it! That’s why the potion won’t work properly..

TOM               Why?

HAZEL            There’s too much Morse Toad in the mixture.

 

 

 

She picks up a goblet and scoops up some of the liquid from the cauldron. Pours some back.

 

HAZEL            Now that should be about right.

 

She takes a swig. The cauldron bubbles. The stage lights start to flash red and green. Smoke starts to drift up in front of Hazel. Hazel starts to laugh. There is a flash and a bang as the lights flash red and green followed by a black out and a curtain.

 

End Of Act2 Sc 2

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Act 2

Sc 3

                                                            A Forest Path

 

Backdrop of a Forest. There is a hedge backstage centre where characters can hide behind. A scarecrow’s dummy stands beside the hedge. Enter the bear who growls and grabs hold of the scarecrow dummy ripping off its arm. He takes the dummy with him behind the hedge and continues to growl and make bear like noises.

Enter Snoop

 

SNOOP            Do get a move on Snivel  its time we dealt with that Wart woman.

 

Enter Snivel.

 

SNOOP            What’s up?

SNIVEL            I was just thinking. What’s going to happen to us?

SNOOP            Were going to get rich.

SNIVEL            No not that. Have you ever thought where we came from?

SNOOP            From over there. Snivel your acting strange.

SNIVEL            I’m a bad actor. Just where are we all going?         

SNOOP            To Widow Wart’s cottage. What are you on about?

SNIVEL            Well I’ve just been reading this book.

 

Snivel takes out a book.

 

SNOOP            Wow he can read.

SNIVEL            Yes Its all about the meaning of life.

SNOOP            Now this should be interesting. Take notes if you like.

SNIVEL            It says there’s no use worrying about life because nobody gets out alive.

SNOOP            And that’s it? The meaning of life!

SNIVEL            According to this book. yes.

SNOOP            The man’s a walking disaster.

SNIVEL            Take us for example what do we do for a living?

SNOOP            As little as possible. Now pull yourself together we’ve work to do.

SNIVEL            But Snoop is life really worth living?

SNOOP            What else can you do with it .

 

SONG SUNG BY SNOOP AND SNIVEL

                                                *TWO OF A KIND

 

Snoop feels through his pockets.

 

 

* Any song can be used. The song inserted is only a suggestion.

SNOOP           Darn! I’ve forgotten Wart’s rent book. You stay here and don’t wander off. I won’t be long. Wait for me and  keep out of trouble.

SNIVEL            Yes boss.

SNOOP            And stop calling me boss!

 

Exit Snoop. There is a loud growl from the bear behind the hedge.

 

SNIVEL            What was that?

 

The bear comes out from behind the hedge and growls loudly as it continues to pull bits off the dummy.

 

SNIVEL            Oh heck! There it is again. I’m not scared.

 

The bear lets out another roar.

 

SNIVEL            Yes I am.

 

Aud. should now be reacting to this.

 

SNIVEL            There’s a what? Where?

 

The bear goes back behind the hedge. Snivel slowly turns round and sees nothing.

 

SNIVEL            See there’s nothing there.

 

The bear comes back out again his back to the audience making loud growling noises as it rips the other arm off the dummy.

 

SNIVEL            I know its back.

 

The bear returns behind the hedge leaving the ripped up  dummy on the floor.

Snivel turns round and sees the dummy.

 

SNIVEL            What’s this?

 

Snivel looks at the scarecrow dummy and picks up the arm.

 

SNIVEL            Ugh!

 

Snoop enters.

 

SNOOP            What’s this?

SNIVEL            It belongs to him.

SNOOP            Well he looks harmless enough give him it back.

 

Snivel throws it down with disgust.          

 

SNIVEL            I can’t  he’s dead.

SNOOP            Don’t be stupid people don’t just drop down dead like that.

SNIVEL            You do if a great big hairy animal rips your arms off.

SNOOP            Well what killed him?

SNIVEL            It were either a bear or a bison. I can’t tell the difference.

SNOOP            Well you cant wash your hands in a bear.

SNIVEL            O well it were a bear then.

 

Snoop goes across to the dummy and picks it up.

 

SNOOP            Snivel you idiot. Look at this! This bloke’s not dead its a dummy just like                                     you.

 

Snoop throws the dummy back over the hedge. We hear the bear react angrily.

 

SNIVEL            You want to be careful it might come and rip your arms off too.

SNOOP            You coward a dummy can’t harm you.

 

The bear from behind the hedge throws the dummy back which hits Snoop sending him and the dummy rolling to the floor.

 

SNIVEL            For a dummy it sure gets its own back.

 

Snoop struggles up and grabs hold of the dummy.

 

SNOOP            I’m going to get rid of this once and for all.

 

He starts to leave when the bear comes out from behind the hedge. A tug of war starts with the dummy. Eventually the bear grabs hold of Snoop and they start to roll about on the floor in a mock fight sequence. Snivel picks up a stick.

 

SNIVEL            Roll him over Snoop and I’ll slug him with this stick.

 

As they roll over and over Snoop is hit by the stick instead of the bear.

 

SNIVEL            Ooops! Sorry Snoop. I’ll try it again.

 

Finally Snivel manages to hit the bear. The bear releases Snoop and grabs the stick and threatens Snivel. The bear chases Snivel behind the hedge. Snivel comes out the other side of the hedge and picks up Snoop.

 

SNIVEL            Quick there’s a bear behind.

 

 

 

 

Snoop places both hands on his buttocks and starts to run with Snivel. They go behind the hedge. The bear comes out from the other side of the hedge and looks about he picks up

the dummy and goes off stage. Exit bear. Snivel appears from one side of the hedge and is grabbed around the neck by the bear.

 

SNIVEL            Help! help he’s ripping my head off.

 

Snoop appears at the other end of the hedge and looks at the bear and Snivel.

 

SNOOP            I can’t look its too awful.

 

Snoop turns away and puts his hands across his face. The bear takes Snivel off stage. There is a scream and a ripping noise.

 

SNOOP            Oh no!

 

The head of the scarecrow dummy rolls towards Snivel. Keeping his eyes closed he picks up the dummy head.

 

SNOOP            Arrrh!.. Stay calm. Snoop try not to lose your head.

 

Snivel enters he goes across to Snoop who is looking at the head still with his eyes closed.

 

SNOOP            Alas poor Snivel I knew him well.

SNIVEL            I always knew you’d  get ahead.

 

Snoop carefully opens one eye.

 

SNOOP            I’ve got a head.

 

Then Snoop opens the other eye.

 

SNOOP            Yours! Snivel your alive!

SNIVEL            I was the last time I checked.

SNOOP            But I thought.....

SNIVEL            No I escaped. That’s the dummy.

SNOOP            Like peas in a pod. Come on lets away to Widow Wart’s before that bear                                     gets back.

 

The bear appears and growls.

 

SNIVEL            On no here we go again?

SNOOP            Here catch!

 

Snoop throws the head at the bear who catches it. The bear growls loudly.

 

SNOOP            What’s up with it now ?

SNIVEL            Well its a bear with a sore head.

SNOOP            Snivel?

SNIVEL            Yes Boss

SNOOP            Run!

SNIVEL            Right away boss.

SNOOP            And don’t call me boss!

 

The bear chases them off stage.

Exit Bear, Snoop and Snivel.

Enter Daisy. She walks across the stage and starts to munch the hedge.

Enter Wanda.

 

WANDA            Daisy your back.

 

Daisy stops munching and tries to turn her head to look at her back.

 

WANDA            Oh you are a silly cow but I love you.

 

She hugs Daisy. There is talking off stage.

 

WANDA            Its daddy and Jingles.

 

Enter King and Jingles.

Wanda runs up to the king and hugs him.

 

JESTER            Wanda!

WANDA            Jingles!

 

Jingles goes for a hug but Wanda ducks out of it.

 

WANDA            Daddy why are you evicting Jack’s mum?

KING              I’m not!

WANDA            Then who are those horrid men you’ve sent to get Mrs Wart’s arrears?

JESTER            Why do you want to cut off  Mrs Wart’s ears Sire?

KING              I don’t want to cut off her ears.  Look Wanda I’ve no idea what your on                                about. I promise you I’ve sent no one to collect money from Mrs Wart. WANDA            Well they’ve got your rent book and are using it to demand money from                              her.

JESTER            If I may interject here your Majesty.

KING              What now? You should have gone before we left.

JESTER            No Sire I think I can throw some light on all of this.

KING              Be my guest.

JESTER            O! Thank you Sire can I have the royal suite, the one with the gold bath                                  taps.

KING              We are not amused! Don’t push me too far Jingles.

JESTER            Sorry just kidding. Remember last night when we were all awakened by                            those strange noises.

KING              Yes but I thought that was you snoring.

JESTER            And we all got up to investigate, well I think we were being                                        burgled.

KING              Burgled !Ah! yes you could be right Jingles. They must have gone into                               my safe and taken Mrs Wart’s rent book. I’d forgotten I keep it in                                              there. Why those dirty thieving little villains.

WANDA            Then we’d better go straight away to Mrs Wart’s and stop them                                       before its too late.

KING              Come on you two we’ve no time to lose.

JESTER            But Sir what about your engagement party?

KING              That can wait we have to save Mrs Wart from those ruffians first.

WANDA            Engagement party! Your getting engaged?

KING              Yes my dear I had this uncontrollable urge to ask Hazel to be my                                                 wife.

WANDA            Hazel? Who’s Hazel?

JESTER            She’s a witch!

WANDA            A witch. My step mother’s a witch.

KING              Yes my dear but that’s another story.

 

Exit Daisy, Wanda, King and Jingles.

 

End Of Act2 Sc2.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Act 2

Sc3                     

 

                            Widow Wart’s Kitchen

 

As before but the beans have gone. Only the single stalk remains standing.

Widow Wart and Jack are holding onto the beanstalk behind the stove. The stalk is shaking.

 

JACK              Mum look the giants still following us.

WART            He’s climbing down the beanstalk.

(Off Stage)

GIANT            Fi Fi Fo Fum look out you lot cos here I come.

 

At that moment Snoop and Snivel crash through the door. Jack and Widow Wart stand in front of the stove. The Beanstalk still shaking behind them.

 

SNOOP            Times up Mrs Wart.

SNIVEL            Give us the money.

 

Snoop and Snivel move towards the stove.

 

WART            Ooh! eck  its Dumb and Dumber

JACK              Don’t worry mum I’ll think of something.

SNOOP            Well, do you have the money Mrs Wart?

WART            Um ...Yes......but?

SNOOP            Good! Snivel get her arrears.

 

Snivel takes out a knife and approaches Widow wart.

 

SNOOP            What are you doing?

SNIVEL            Getting her ears like you said.

WART            What? Help me Jack!

JACK              Never mind mum ear today and gone to morrow.

WART            It’s in Jack’s shirt.

JACK              Thanks mum!

SNOOP            Search him Snivel.

SNIVEL            Yes Boss.

 

Snivel starts to search Jack. Jack starts to squirm and laugh.

 

JACK              Ooh  stop it, it tickles.

 

Snivel finds the eggs but doesn’t know what they are. He gives them to Widow Wart. She quickly hides them in her dress.

 

SNIVEL            He ain’t got any.

SNOOP            He must have.

 

He looks at Widow Wart who is hiding the last egg.

 

SNOOP           What are those?

WART            Eggs.’ Hard boiled eggs. Aren’t they Jack?

JACK              Yes mum gold hard boiled eggs.

SNOOP            Gold?

(Off Stage)

GIANT            Fe Fi Fo Fum look out you lot cos here I come.

SNIVEL            Who’s that?

SNOOP            Never mind that get the eggs.

 

Snivel and Snoop try to grab Widow Wart. They miss and crash into the beanstalk. There is an almighty crack.

 

(Off Stage)

GIANT            Fe Fi Fo Fump Ill coming to earth with a mighty bump! Aaarh!

 

There is a cartoon type whooshing sound as the giant starts to fall to earth. Both Widow wart and Jack look up.

 

WART            Oh `eck that’s bean and gonna` done it.

JACK              Run mum run.

 

Snoop and Snivel scramble up.

 

SNOOP            Catch them don’t let them get away.

 

Widow Wart stops them in their tracks.

 

WART            Stop! What’s big and green and can’t fly        

           

The whooshing sound gets closer.

 

SNOOP            I don’t know. What’s big and green and can’t fly?

SNIVEL            Hang on Snoop I know that one, what’s big and green and can’t fly?

 

The whooshing sound reaches a climax.

 

SNIVEL            Its um..its...

SNOOP            Well get on with it. What is big and green and can’t fly?

(Off Stage)

GIANT            Aaarh!

 

They both look up as a  large dummy of the Giant  falls towards them. Widow Wart and Jack look away.

 

SNOOP/

SNIVEL            A GIANT!

 

They clutch each other as the giant flattens them.

 

SNIVEL/

SNOOP            Aaarh!

 

Widow Wart and Jack turn and look at the squashed pair. They approach them but stop as they hear a second whistling sound. They look up as a second dummy fall’s on top of the Giant’s.

 

WART            Ouch!

JACK              Looks as though we’ve got two new flat mates mum.

 

Enter Wanda, The King, Jingles and Daisy.

They burst into the cottage from the open door.

 

KING              We heard an almighty crash. Is everyone ok?

 

Wanda runs up to Jack. The King and Jingles look at the Giant and the flattened Snoop and Snivel. Daisy runs up to Widow Wart.

 

WANDA            Jack, Jack are you alright Jack?

KING              My my he’s got a big one.

 

The king takes a large axe from the giant’s hand and looks at it. There is groaning from underneath the giant.

 

KING              And who have we here?

 

Snoop and Snivel poke their heads out from under the giant.

 

WART            Snoop and Snivel your bully boys.

KING              I haven’t sent anyone to threaten you  Mrs Wart I can assure you of that.                              Jingles get those two out of  there and bring them to me.

JESTER            Right away.

SNOOP            Get your hands off me.

SNIVEL            Let me go.

 

Jingles drags them forward by their collars.

 

 

SNOOP            Oh heck look who’s here?

SNIVEL            Now were for it.

KING              You two again.

 

The king searches them and finds the rent book.      

 

KING              Common thieves the both of you.

SNOOP            We can explain your Majesty.

SNIVEL            Yes Sir it were him. He put me up to it.

SNOOP            Shut up.

KING              Silence! Its time we taught these two that crime doesn’t pay.

JESTER            Cuff um Jingles!

 

Jingles produces two small hand stocks and puts their hands through them.

 

KING              Take them away  lock them in the deepest darkest dungeon.

JESTER            Yes sir.

 

Exit Jingles, Snoop and Snivel.

 

KING              So all’s well that ends well.

WART            It might be for you but what’s going to happen to Jack and Me?

 

Wanda rushes up to Jack and throws her arms around him.

 

WANDA            He can marry me.

JACK              What?

KING              But he’s a worthless peasant. I’ll have no daughter of mine marrying

                        a penniless layabout.

WART            H’s not a layabout he’s a hero isn’t he everybody?

AUD                Yes!

WART            He defeated that giant.

KING              Maybe Mrs Wart but look at this place my daughter can’t live here. You’ll                         need money to do the place up and keep my Wanda in the luxury she’s                              use to.

WART            Here show him the gold Jack.

 

Widow Wart takes the golden eggs out of her dress and hands them to Jack.

 

KING              Very well then. Lets make it a double engagement.

 

SONG SUNG BY JACK AND WANDA

*LOVE IS ALL AROUND

 

* Any song can be used. The song inserted is only a suggestion.

 

Wanda  grabs Jack and kisses him.

 

Enter Tom

 

TOM               Now that’s what I call Catisfaction.

WART            And who are you? I haven’t had the pleasure.

TOM               You and me both dear it must be something they put in the water. The                                names Tom. I’m going to be the King’s new house cat.

                        I’m Hazel’s familiar.

WART            Well I don’t recognise you. You don’t look familiar to me .

TOM               I’m her Medium.

WART            Well you look like a large to me.

TOM               Spirits pass right through me mate.

WART            What mentholated spirits ?

KING              That’s enough Tom is Hazel ready? I hope she’s changed into something                                 stunning, exciting and mysterious.

TOM               Well she’s certainly changed your Highness.

KING              Good. Then hurry up and bring her out. I want them all to meet her.

TOM               Very well your Lordship.

 

Roll of drums. Fanfare build up.

 

TOM               Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, a vision of  loveliness awaits without.

JACK              Without what?

TOM               Most of the essential bits the last time I looked.

KING              Tom get on with it.

TOM               Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls  the future Queen Hazel.

 

Enter Hazel to a fanfare. She wears a cloak and hood. She remains to rear of the stage in the doorway. She steps forward and drops the cloak and hood to reveal she is indeed beautiful. The king joins her.

 

KING              Oh! Hazel If I told you that you had a beautiful body would you hold it                                against me?

HAZEL            Oh you are awful but I like you.

KING              Then its back to the palace to celebrate my engagement to Hazel and                                 Jack and Wanda’s wedding.

JACK              What but we’ve only just got engaged!

WANDA            So its true you do love me.

 

Wanda grabs Jack and  kisses him again.

 

 

WART            Ahhh! Isn’t that sweet. Come on off with the lot of you I need time to                                 make myself  lovely and beautiful.

TOM               Now I might be able to help you there Mrs Wart.

 

He brings out a small bottle. They go to one side of the stage and  start to walk off.

 

TOM               I’ve got lots of experience in these matters.

WART            You have.

TOM               Oh yes. Beauty comes from within.

WART            It does?

TOM               Yes, from within  jars, tubes, compacts and....... bottles.

 

He holds the bottle.

 

WART            All my life I’ve hungered to be beautiful.

TOM               What was it Shakespeare said,  " Let music be the food of love"

WART            So your musical then?

TOM               O yes! My great great great granddad was a famous composer.

                        You may have heard of him?

WART            No, what was his name?

TOM               Pussini. Now Mrs Wart about being beautiful.....

 

Exit Wart and Tom.

 

WANDA            Come on Jack we’ve a wedding to organise.

JACK              If you insist, do you like big weddings or little ones?

WANDA            O you are naughty Jack you know as well as I do without big weddings                                  you shouldn’t have little ones. Come on we’ve lots to do.

JACK              But......

WANDA            ..and very little time to do it in.

 

Wanda grabs his hand and drags him off.

 

KING              I’m sure Jack will look back on today as the happiest day of his life.

HAZEL            But he’s not getting married until tomorrow.

KING              Exactly!

 

He  gives Hazel a peck on the cheek.

 

KING              Come my dear lets away to the palace you know how you bring out the                             animal me.

 

They both turn together showing their backs to the audience. Hazel has a large crocodile like tail.

 

HAZEL            Me to your Majesty.

 

The king goes to tap Hazel’s behind but Hazel catches his hand.

 

HAZEL            Not yet my dear lets keep that as a surprise.

 

They walk through the door as the curtain closes.

Exit King and Hazel.

 

End Of Act 2 Sc3

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Act 2

Sc4

                                                A Forest

 

Backdrop only.

Enter Widow Wart with a basket of  give-aways.

 

WART            Hi kids!

KIDS              Hi!

WART            I’m sure you can do it louder than that? Lets try that again. Hi Kids!

KIDS              Hi!      

WART            That’s better. Now let me tell you what’s been happening. Hazel and the King are now officially engaged. Hazel’s little problem( She points to her bottom )vanished over night, so the king never did see it, but that’s another tale. Snoop and Snivel have promised never to steal again and the King has ordered them to do two hundred hours community service.  They’re fixing up my little cottage. The Giant turned out to be a real nice guy with a heart as big as a hippopotamus and a mouth to match. The King was so grateful to him and Jingles for capturing Snoop and Snivel he asked them to be his Personal Body Guards. Rumour has it Jingles is closer to Hazel than Right Guard but who am I to gossip. Tom, or Sir Thomas as he now likes to be known, finally became an Aristocat and is delighted with his new job as the castle’s official Rodent Exterminator By Royal Appointment. Jack and Wanda have just been married and I’m off to the reception, right now. It were a lovely service. Wanda wept, the bridesmaid wept, I wept even he wedding cake was in tiers. Look ( Looks in her basket) I’ve made some cakes and sweets and things for the party would you like to share them             with me? I’m sure Wanda wouldn’t mind.

 

Give-away sweets bit.

 

WART            Watching my Jack and Wanda get married reminded me of my wedding.                             day. I’ll never forget it. Heaven knows I’ve tried. After paying for the

wedding all my father had left to give away was me. Times were tough when I was a kid. We lived in a tough neighbourhood. Any kid in our street with two ears was a sissy. When I was seven, my dad took me aside and left me there. He was tough on me and made me run two miles every night. By the end of the week I was 14 miles from home and lost.. Funny how things turn out is it? Now look at us .Well I can’t hang around reminiscing I’ve got a wedding reception to go to. See you there. Bye.

 

Exit Widow Wart.

 

End Of Act 2 Sc 4

 

 

Act 2

Sc5

                                    The Wedding Feast At The King’s Palace

                                          ( The Walk Down Sequence)

 

Backdrop Of A castle with two thrones and along table with a wedding feast laid out on it.

 

As the curtain opens the :-

 

Chorus are dressed up as wedding guest eating and drinking at the table.

 

THEY SING AND DANCE

   *WHAT A PICTURE

 

At each chorus break as the Lines " Flash! What a Picture " are sung  the actors  in pairs should appear and receive their applause. They remain on stage and join in with the song. This sequence continues until all characters have been introduced. As the song finishes all characters and chorus should be on the stage in their final positions for the final bow.

Song Reprise if necessary.

 

* Any song can be used. The song inserted is only a suggestion.

 

                                                  The End